Being an appreciation of the comedic presidency of George W. Bush; the knaves, fools and cretins who made it possible, and ruminations on the 2008 US elections, as penned by a snarky Scotsman
(Note - posted now because, come January, every no-talent chucklehead with a blog will be boring us to tears with this type of interminable, po-faced retrospective.)
The waning years of the second Bush presidency have seen many posit that the left's boundless contempt for the 43rd president of the United States results from deep-seated elitist disdain for the working man's lifestyle and values, or from their Bush Derangement Syndrome. Some say that, for educated Europeans, W. is the very embodiment of everything they've despised about the new world since De Tocqueville's day, and their hatred for him reveals only their own prejudices.
All of this may well be true, but it's impossible to assess Bush's unpopularity without noting that he actually is a snickering, know-nothing moron - a cheerful imbecile elevated to the most powerful office on the planet solely because he is the pampered, much-indulged son of a spectacularly wealthy plutocrat.
Similarly, when the Charles Krauthammers of the world proclaim that Europeans despise Bush because he has the audacity to defend American interests, it's worth remembering that Bush has presided over almost two terms of screaming, rocket-propelled national decline. Far from defending America, Bush has acted like an Iranian sleeper agent from day one, marching the world's mightiest military into a ruinous bloodbath with only shit-eating grins and macho Hey, we're here to get the bad guys bollocks by way of a plan.
On every foreign policy front, the administration has acted is if it was operating at the behest of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with a string of astonishing clusterfucks... Exterminating Iranian-hating, psychotic butcher Saddam Hussein and handing control of Iraq to the Ayatollahs; sitting by with their dicks in their hands while the deranged North Korean regime pronounced itself a nuclear power; gibbering about state-mandated buttsex while Pakistan melted down into the kind of anarchic non-state in which warlords could twist Musharraf's tit with impunity and sobbing like schoolgirls while Vladimir Putin took a huge, steaming shit on the White House lawn.
Meanwhile, his economic policies were intended to impale American society on the throbbing horn of the social class he actually represents - royalty - but have resulted this week in big government nationalisations that would give Lenin's corpse a raging boner. Outside of aid to Africa, it's hard to think of a Bush policy that hasn't been a hilarious, slapstick fuck-up that's ceased to be funny when its horrific consequences have become apparent.
The Bush admin, in short, has been the America-hater's wet dream, plunging the world's only superpower into the toilet bowl at the speed of sound. Their actions couldn't have been more perfectly designed to sabotage a global empire if they'd been drawn up by anarchist punks. Between them, the lolloping freaks who have held high office across the pond have ruled like a nightmare coalition of Mikhail Gorbachev, Emperor Franz-Josef and Idi Amin, seemingly bent on turning the nation into the kind of poverty-stricken banana republic they so love to sponsor in the southern hemisphere.
They've been the answered prayer of every batshit crazy Jihadist... But let's not forget that they couldn't have done it without the help of America's own suicide bombers - right wing Christian conservatives.
In the past few months, we've been invited to respect the manias of this particular stratum of American society, as if wilful lunacy, unfocused belligerence and small-minded hatred for the new and the foreign were the hallmarks of the good-hearted working class rather than the prejudices of pig-ignorant shitheads.
The media creatures of the Bush plutocracy have been quick to level charges of snobbery at anyone making the 100% correct point that the Republican base is composed entirely of pant-shitting fruitcakes and uptight closet-cases who would joyfully place a gaggle of Christian mullahs in the Oval Office, given the merest opportunity; who would gladly and ecstatically embrace the most deranged military adventure provided it gave them yet another chance to salute the flag and pretend that the world still works like it did in Band of Brothers.
For make no mistake, nobody hates the modern United States with more passion than the core Republican voter. Consider the cries of Drill, Baby, Drill! at the recent Republican convention - calling for a completely ineffective campaign of environmental vandalism while ignoring the impending energy crisis, just to piss off liberals. You're looking at people who would rather burn their own homes to the ground than countenance a second's happiness for hippies, homos or greenies... People who would cheerfully grind their own cities into sand and salt the earth in which they stood if it'd annoy their political enemies for a moment.
And so we come to the 2008 elections, in which a bad-tempered, 800-year-old war veteran who has criticised every misguided bombing campaign of the past forty years as being overly nice faces off against a black, Harvard-educated intellectual who can say the word diplomacy without puking shit out of his nose. Little wonder, then, that the mental right wing has reacted like the citizens of Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.
The highlight of the campaign so far, for me, was undoubtedly the countless bloggers who shat themselves in outrage at Grauniad writer Jonathan Freedland's column, in which he accurately contended that the world would conclude that the Americans are morons if they elect John McCain.
Who does this impertinent foreigner think he is, telling us how to run our country? they said, with absolutely no irony whatsover. It's our country, nobody else tells us what to do, they cried, while the Vietnamese, to choose but one example, still tend rice paddies and fish in rivers that the US Air Force sprayed with poison for a decade.
All of which brings me to the point of this behemoth of a post - what will be the response of reasonable people to the election of a President McCain?
Well, I don't want to speak for the Earth's population, but I'll wager it'll be an immediate realisation that the Americans have decided that their country is too depraved to be allowed to live, and have decided to utterly destroy it.
Me, I reckon the Americans are free to vote as they choose, but my attitude will be similar to that of the soldiers in that scene in Saving Private Ryan where the GIs blast the German pillbox with flamethrowers, setting the unfortunate Nazis ablaze - Don't Shoot, Let 'Em Burn!
Hell, you know that they're just men like you, with families and friends and pets, but you've just watched them cut your buddies in half in a hail of machine gun fire and you're not in a forgiving mood. They've made their choice and they're just going to have to live with the consequences.
If that seems harsh, just look back at the last eight years - really get a good picture in your mind, and concentrate on the relentless horror of it - then imagine another four.
Not quite so harsh now, is it?