Sunday, August 03, 2008

Scaramouche, Scaramouche/Hey, Let's Shoot That Jill Dando

April 20th, 1999

Belgrade, Serbia, private office of Slobodan Milosevic, President of Serbia

(MILOSEVIC enters, followed by NIKO, a government assassin)

MILOSEVIC: Curse their black hearts, Niko, the British have gone too far with this bombing. We must strike back, hard! Hit them where they'll feel it! Let us visit upon them the woes of the Serbian people a thousandfold!

NIKO: Yes, Mr. President. I have drawn up a list of potential targets for your selection -

MILOSEVIC: No need for that, Niko my boy, I already know exactly what to do... I want you to knock off that skinny blonde bird that presents Crimewatch.

NIKO: (Gasps) Sir, surely you don't mean...

MILOSEVIC: Yes - without that blonde piece off Crimewatch, Britain will be ruined! Let's see how the legendary British stiff upper lip copes with the murder of a minor celebrity! (Evil laugh, twiddles imaginary moustache).

NIKO: Sir, this plan is too fiendish even for you! Imagine the outcry when we tell them it was us who killed Jill Dando!

MILOSEVIC: But here's what's so fiendish about it, Niko - we won't tell them we did it. We'll keep entirely silent about our involvement, even if they arrest some local nutter and fit him up for the hit!

NIKO: Aha, I see... So, just to be clear, are you sure you wouldn't like me to bust a cap in the Queen Mother's ass or set off a bomb outside the Houses of Parliament?

MILOSEVIC: No, the British people wouldn't care at all if we did that. What we need to do is execute some television presenter, then never reveal our involvement to anyone.

NIKO: Truly, Mr. President, you are a genius. It will be done. (Exits)

MILOSEVIC: Now my dastardly plan is falling into place. Once Jill Dando is dead, there will be nobody left to stop me! (Hysterical laughter, masturbation)

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