Monday, August 11, 2008

Russian Mentalist Mortal Kombat

Hooray, Gene from Harry's Place has challenged Lenin from Lenin's Tombola to a game of Russian Mentalist Mortal Kombat!

Gene's plumped for Alexander Solzhenitzyn, which seems like a weird choice - all those years in a prison camp might make you a tenacious survivor, but hardly title-fight material. Perhaps Gene's banking that the competition will be judged on the contenders' ability to smuggle the largest quantity of tradeable goods up their bottoms or something.

Lenin's yet to respond, and I wouldn't like to hazard a guess as to which famous Russian he's going to go for. There's a possibility it might be Trotsky or Stalin, and either would be a reasonable bet in a ruckus. Trotsky may have been a commander rather than a frontovik, but I bet he picked up a few moves, while Stalin just looks like the kind of dirty little bugger that would get you round the neck and try to pull your ear off until it really hurt.

I don't think they've been creative enough here though. Gulags, Bolsheviks, it's all a bit obvious, isn't it? I can think of lots of Russians who would kick ass harder than these moustachioed coffeeshop cases.

Double-Hard Russians

#1. Ivan Drago

Pros: Steroid-crazed man-mountain

Cons: Fictional character

An 18 1/2 stone glacier of murder, Ivan Drago would wipe the floor with Solzhenytsin and probably give Nikolai Gogol a run for his money. Okay, he might have inexplicably lost to that pushy Italian bloke that looks like an aggro chunk of Kentucky Fried Chicken, but he kicked Apollo Creed's ass goodstyle.

#2. Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin

Pros: Russia's Greatest Love-Machine

Cons: There was a cat that really was gone

Rah-Rah-Rasputin could preach the bible like a preacher, full of ecstacy and fire but he also was the kind of teacher that women would desire... Such a double-hard bastard, his assassins had to apply for annual leave a couple of weeks into murdering him.

#3. Vladimir Putin

Pros: Psychotic KGB android

Cons: A bit busy just now; Thinking of quitting to pursue solo bombing career

Remorseless, ice-hearted spook who clawed his way to power through the sewer of the Russian oligarchy, before embarking on blood-curdling orgies of violence in former Soviet states. One wonders what the small talk was like when George W. or Tony Blair dropped round for tea. Da, my armies haff keeled many willagers today, dey are trained to show no mercy to the womens and cheeldrens... And chow ees your lovely wife, Prime Meenister?

Let battle commence!

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