Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Once Tiberius Is Dead, I, Sejanus, Shall Rule As Emperor Of Rome
By Lucius Aelius Sejanus, Prefect of the Praetorian Guard, AD31

At last, after these long years of sweat and blood and toil, my grip tightens around the neck of the house of Caesar, and absolute power shall soon be mine!

I have built my forces from nothing. I have crushed my enemies beneath my heel without mercy and given no quarter to friend or foe... Julian and Claudian alike have opposed me and all have perished.

Even now, my cohort prepares to depart, eager to deliver the blade's sweet kiss to the wizened neck of the crone, Livia. My assassins gather in the shadows of the house of Tiberius on Capri, awaiting only my order to strike and deliver the blow, swift and terrible, that will end his foul, debauched life.

It is so close now... I can almost feel the purple about my shoulders. Soon, soon, the moment will come when the civilised world acclaims my supremacy. The rods and the axes of Roman authority shall be given unto me and all shall bow down at the feet of Sejanus!

In that perfect instant when I openly declare my rule, the Gods themselves shall tremble to behold the might of Sejanus, Imperator of Rome, for they shall perceive their end in the ascension of a new God.

Decimus, my most faithful lieutenant - go now from this place and slay the crone Livia. I shall not suffer her to live a moment longer...

Only she and her depraved son stand between me and total victory... Go, Decimus, and confirm me as a living God-Emperor, master of the world!

All shall look upon Emperor Sejanus and submit to his will!

Heh Heh, Heh Heh, Heh Heh, You Said "Anus"
by Decimus Cretinus Beavus, Centurion, Praetorian Guard

Heh heh, heh heh, heh heh... Dude, you said "Anus".

Yeah, yeah, you were all like "Woah, I shall rule" and then you were like, "All shall, like, kiss my sweet anus".

Heh heh, heh heh... "Anus". Dude, stay away from my anus with your, like, purple rod of power. Heh heh, heh heh...

Okay, like, you want us to kill the old lady then? Cool, that's so cool! I'll be all like, aaarrggh! Stab stab! Stab stab! Die, bitch, die! Aaarggh!

Heh heh, heh heh...

Like, don't get all freaked out, Anus dude. We'll kill her good. Stab stab!

Heh heh, heh heh... This is totally going to work, O Mr. supreme Anus, sir. Everyone will be all like, dude - I want to behold your mighty, trembling weapon, sire.

They'll totally be like, we perceive your end. Stab stab!

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