Friday, August 15, 2008

Free Market Mysteriously Fails To Impede Horrible Asshole's Career
Financial Times, 15th August 2008

In a development that has led to consternation throughout the business world, the invisible hand of the free market has failed to pluck insurance sales manager Stevie Bermingham from his plush corner office and cast him into the pit of poverty, despair and violence he so richly deserves.

Co-workers have expressed astonishment that the tactless, incompetent, horrible asshole has managed to rise to his current position, despite his glaringly obvious flaws.

"If anything, Stevie actively impairs the department's productivity," said one colleague, who wished to remain anonymous. "All he ever seems to do is call pointless meetings, wander about the office shooting us with twin pistol-fingers and invent annoying tasks and pedantic processes for us to grind through."

"According to what I was taught, business should automatically weed out imbiciles and morons for demotion to jizz-mopping, but Stevie just goes from strength to strength... It makes me sick. Every Sunday I sit with my head in my hands moaning incoherently at the prospect of another working week."

Other colleagues pointed to his handling of a recent staffing crisis as evidence of his shocking ineptitude.

"Three days before our deadline he decided for no good reason that we needed to go back through the last four weeks' sales and draft TPS reports for each one," one man in his thirties said while chewing his nails to the knuckle. "It meant twenty hours of overtime for each of us, and when somebody told him the reports weren't useful, Stevie just told him that there's no I in Team then went home for the weekend..."

"Orthodox rules of self-interest should mean that the company would set such horrible assholes to work licking the toilets clean, but they just gave him stock options... God, I just want it all to end."

At the time of going to press, the firm's management had just announced redundancies in response to the credit crunch, and expressed great faith in Bermingham's ability to maintain spirits.

"In times like this, we need men with Stevie's talents," said MD Mick Paterson, before shooting this reporter with twin finger-pistols. "If there's one thing that knows about, it's incentivisation."

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