Tuesday, July 22, 2008

I've Got Your War On Terror Right Here

Hilarious - they finally track down The Butcher of Bosnia, and the first thing they have to do is drag him off to The Barber of Belgrade so they can check it's really him under all that fluff.

In light of the example of Saddam Hussein, perhaps this explosive hair-growth is some kind of defence mechanism for war criminals, like squid-ink... The follicles must begin to sprout the second enemy tanks rumble into the capital.

It would certainly explain why the newly-captured Radovan Karadzic looks less like The Face of Evil than he does a stoned, bespectacled chinchilla.

Hell, I'm going to phone the CIA and tell them to forget hunting for Osama Bin Laden in the Tora Bora mountain bases - they should just rock up to Islamabad and arrest the guy who most closely resembles Cousin It.

That's a great get-rich-quick scheme, by the way, since there's about fifty million on offer for Bin Laden's head on a stick. Me, I've been throwing open the Karachi phone book and sending random addresses to Langley for six years, although so far all I've got to show for it is a red phone bill.

I just hope that I fluke the right location before some Al Qaeda type rumbles the gig and tips the spooks off himself. If I was Ayman Al-Zawahiri I'd be all like fuck this hiding in a cave shit, and grass up OBL for the cash. I mean, you never know, all that cavorting in paradise with dozens of virgins stuff might just be a load of old cobblers.

Why risk it all on a probably-fictitious afterlife? For that kind of cash, Al-Zawahiri could get all the women he wanted and I'm sure they'd all be delighted to tell him they were virgins if he's so bloody picky. I'd guarantee they'd do other stuff, too, whatever a man who's spent the last ten years in the company of hirsute, heavily armed fanatics and their goats desired.

Sure, it might be a bit awkward when the photos of President Bush handing the world's number two terrorist an over-sized cheque for that kind of cash hit the papers, but what would Bush care? Most people have the memory spans of pissed goldfish and anyway, they'd be too busy tuning in to America's Best Prison Assaults - Infinite Beatings (Bin Laden Edition) to care.

Meanwhile, Bush goes down in history as the President who brought America's greatest foe to justice* and Al-Zawahiri gets to live like a rock star, snorting drugs off models' cleavages and suchlike.


See, I've got your war on terror sewn up right there. They should make me a five-star general.

*Or smoked him out, whatever bullshit his handlers think will make him look most folksy.

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