Cameron: By-Election Victory a "Triumph for Managed Democracy"
BBC News, 22nd May 2008
Citing the Conservative victory in yesterday's Crewe and Nantwich by-election, party leader David Cameron hailed the result as a "triumph for managed democracy".
Mr. Cameron told cheering supporters in Crewe that the victory was a watershed moment in Britain's march towards becoming a Russian-style plutocracy, ruled by two clans of indistinguishable, public school-educated management drones who intermittently trade power while each pushing near-identical Thatcher-lite policies.
"Today marks the beginning of the end for New Labour," he said. "Britain is tired of Labour's faceless, bureaucratic, authoritarian government, and the people are recognising the Conservatives' brand of faceless, bureaucratic authoritarianism as the way forward."
"People ask me what my vision for tomorrow is, and I'm always proud to tell them that under a Conservative government, tomorrow will be pretty much the same as today, except that the ruling party will have slightly posher accents".
Asked what the deciding factor had been in the election, Mr. Cameron was keen to focus on the bullshit.
"I think it's clear that the bullshit was the electorate's most pressing concern," he told reporters. "In fact, this campaign was all about bullshit, and I'm glad to say that the public gave their support to our disingenuous line in vacuous, content-free drivel and firmly rejected the vacuous, content-free drivel of the government".
"I make this pledge on behalf of the Conservative Party... If elected, I promise that we will retain Labour's policies on nuclear defence, the environment, free market trade, foreign affairs, the European Union, public spending, justice and prison policy, immigration and a host of other critical issues."
"We will," he continued, "create a new and entirely pointless Bill of Rights that alters our obligations not one jot, say lots of nasty things about foreigners and knock a few grand off Richard Branson's tax bill."
Crewe voter Agnes Dromedary summed up the feelings of local residents towards Mr. Cameron's visit. "He's got a very nice haircut, doesn't he?" she said. "He scrubs up quite well, too, not like that scruffy Scottish bugger Brown".