Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Minister Plays Down Scottish Oil Refinery Strike Fears
Staff Walkout "Unlikely" To Lead To Petrol Rationing, Radioactive Zombies
All Tabloids, 22nd April 2008


Scottish Finance Minister John Swinney today played down fears of widespread petrol rationing, economic woes and marauding gangs of irradiated, flesh-eating undead ghouls from the very pits of Hell itself.

"I have discussed this with the management and the unions, and I am confident that this pension dispute can be resolved ami
cably." He told journalists. "I would urge all Scots to refrain from panicking and fill up your cars as normal, without putting unnecessary strain on reserves by buying excess fuel."

Asked whether he had drawn up contingency plans for an invasion of rabid, shuffling zombies, the Minister responded that any predictions of blood-curdling attacks by the unquiet dead were "ridiculous", "absurd" and had "absolutely no basis in fact".

"I can categorically assure the Scottish people that there are no such things as radioactive zombies," Mr. Swinney said, "And any suggestion to the contrary is purest fantasy."

Pages 2-3: Will ravenous zombies eat your child's face while you look on horror-struck through the ropes of your entrails?

Page 4: 10% off canned food and shotguns

Pages 6-7: Time to fill up your car?

Pages 9-10: How YOU can survive the upcoming zombie holocaust, AND lose weight!

Back page: McGeady claims double trophy haul

No comments: