Immigration - The Facts

Stunning news from the House of Lords this week, where a bunch of old, white guys have issued a report on immigration. They've found that them foreigners are ruining the country, and you can't even get a seat on a bus these days for all the damn Polish.

Interestingly, though, I've noticed that people I speak to internalise these kinds of talking points. I have to keep tabs on the daily papers at work, and I'm always stunned by how often I meet people who quote more or less directly from that day's scare-story. Immigrants push up wages, take our jobs and push up the price of houses, that kind of thing.

Well, since the tabloids seem to have sussed the all-too-human flaw of credulously adopting the last thing we read until another fact comes along to shove it out, I've done a bit of research into the issue of immigration myself.

Hopefully, these fascinating facts will quickly penetrate the public consciousness....

- Polish plumbers display 40% more bum-cleavage than good old British tradesmen. Additionally, it's an ancient Polish tradition to slyly half-inch your lighter when you're not looking.

- Romanians are capable of smuggling as many as four gypsies into the country by shoving them up their arses. One in ten gypsies carries a rare and highly infectious disease that causes sufferers to urinate through their ears.

- Nigerians attract lions. Alarmingly, as many as 27% of Zimbabwean immigrants actually are lions, cunningly disguised as office cleaners. When decent folk aren't watching, they stalk big game on the British savannah, roaring like pissed-off motorbikes.

- Pakistanis exude an air of wistful melancholy, like a handsome middle-aged woman recalling the passionate dalliances of her youth with a series of well-endowed suitors. This is because they're all listening to the cricket on Radio Islamabad, which is beamed directly into their skulls via subcutaneous aerials embedded in their spines.

- Bulgarians don't take global warming seriously, and fly to work in jumbo jets while spraying deodorants at the sun and laughing like fucked-up hyenas.

- Albanians are rubbish at Tetris - most of them can't even get past forty lines on Level Three, for Christ's sake.

- Almost 90% of Bosnians prefer The Terminator to Terminator 2: Judgement Day, despite the latter film's vastly improved special effects and action sequences.

- The Turks only pretend to like kebabs so they can flog them to gullible Brits. In private, they eat Weetabix.

- Latvia is a leading cause of male pattern-baldness.

There, let's see that in six-inch letters on the front of the Daily Mail. Much more agreeable.

n.b. About the scuddy-women pictures - I'm upping the half-naked women quotient because I'm starting to worry that readers might suspect that I'm some kind of secret cock-farmer.

Nothing could be further from the truth, which is just as well, since homosexuality impairs one's ability to drive and operate machinery.