Wednesday, March 19, 2008

MONOPOLY - IRAQ EDITION

Object
The object of the game is to control the entirety of Iraq, a badly degraded former dictatorship with a ruined infrastructure.

Equipment
Approx. 3 trillion U.S. dollars, around 1.5 million combatants, several million tons of light and heavy armour, air superiority (optional), political support (optional), cassus belli (optional), extensive reserves of oil, strong stomach/religious mania.

Participants
A game for two - twenty five million players.

Preparation
Spend several years cherry-picking dubious intelligence reports, then begin scaremongering, before launching an all-out military invasion of a defenceless, resource-rich middle-eastern dictatorship.

Alternatively, stockpile weapons, high explosives and a violent contempt for humanity.

Banker
The U.S. Government is The Banker.

All players can apply to The Banker for cash payouts, although these are easier to secure if the player is a private security/reconstruction firm owned by a dedicated Republican activist.

The Banker retains complete freedom of action and may rewrite the rules at any time it chooses.

The Bank
The Banker is responsible for doling out Title Deeds and Property to players, although players can wrest control of Deeds and Property from each other. Initially, The Bank will only grant Property and Cash to The Iraqi Government, although after five years of play it will begin to fund all players.

Moneys paid to Republican activists are written off and cannot be reclaimed by The Banker, especially if said moneys have been spent on behalf of Iraqis.

The Bank never goes broke, unless the Chinese refuse to fund its overdraft any longer, at which point all players are declared bankrupt.

The Play
At the start of the game, The Banker immediately awards all Properties, control of the Iraqi Army and complete independence to The Iraqi Government, while still retaining ownership of all Properties, the Iraqi Army and The Iraqi Government.

The other players then attempt to wrest control of Properties by bribery, coersion or force.

The game lasts until The Banker declares it is over, or until all other players have been eliminated.

Chance Cards

You have been blown up by an IED - Miss all turns.

Congratulations, you have been liberated from tyranny! Stay where you are and don't make any sudden movements.

You have been posted to Baghdad - Collect your underwear once it has been laundered.

The Bank makes an error in your favour, but local militias have declared usury un-Islamic - pay $400 then Go To Jail

Your Meals-Ready-To-Eat are unsanitary - miss a turn in the infirmary.

You have been captured by the Iranian Navy - miss twenty turns while Britain engages in humiliating negotiations and hysterical moral panic.

You have been posted to the Green Zone - Collect $150,000, but slowly, so that nobody notices... That's it... Now, put it in that bag... Yes, you're getting the idea now...

Community Chest

You are Ahmad Chalabi - Collect $500,000

You have found some fork-lift trucks - give them a fresh coat of paint and Collect $1.2 million.

The U.S. Army Med-Evacs you to Germany - collect $2000 pension for the rest of your life.

Ooops - An American attack helicopter strafes your house! Collect $1000 blood money.

Special Rules

The Iraqi Government must remain within the Green Zone, although it may respectfully request that The Banker move on its behalf.

Sectarian Militias are permitted to ethnically cleanse Properties, with or without funding from The Banker, although The Banker is free to eliminate any Sectarian Militia or Iraqi Civilians on adjecent Properties at any time of its choosing, in any manner it chooses.

Republican Civilian Contractors aim to buy the Utilities, following which they must refuse to maintain them and charge The Banker several billion dollars every turn until the end of the game.

Republican Security Contractors may move freely and do as they please, and may exercise their GET OUT OF JAIL FREE card at any point.

British Prime Ministers must attempt to influence The Banker, unless The Banker does not wish to be influenced, at which point British Prime Ministers must pretend to influence The Banker.

Iraqi Civilians must PICK UP $200, following which they must pay $200 to The Banker in petrol duties. The Banker may order any Iraqi Civilian to GO TO JAIL at any time it pleases, where they must stay until The Banker decides they may be released. Iraqi Civilians must also pick up a Chance card every turn.

The United Nations Rapporteur on Torture must GO TO JAIL, where he will be refused entry by The Banker and must then return to Geneva.

American Soldiers must remain on one Property until The Banker tells them to move to another Property. Armoured Infantry may exercise their FREE PARKING on, in or under any other player's property whenever they choose.

British Soldiers must remain at Basra Airport until a British Prime Minister thinks up a way to move them to Afghanistan without annoying The Banker.

Iranians may order all Iraqi players on the South of the board to hand over money or Property at any time.

Bankruptcy
Players are declared bankrupt when The Banker, The Iranians or a Sectarian Militia declare them bankrupt. The player must then GO TO SYRIA.

Rules For a Short Game
There are no short games in MONOPOLY: IRAQ EDITION. This is a generational game.

End of the Game
The Banker declares victory every turn, on Tuesdays and Fridays, Christmases and New Years, when noteworthy players are eliminated and annually on the anniversary of the game's commencement.

n.b. My contribution to the March 19th Blogswarm - FR.

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