I'm horrified to find that standards in Scottish schools have reached an all-time low. Just yesterday, the teachers' union announced that their members are having to use classroom assistants for cover.
It's clear that we're failing in our duty to teachers, as modern handguns fire projectiles that are still deadly even after passing through up to three classroom assistants.
Surely, if our classrooms are so dangerous, the least we could do is kit out our teachers with bullet-proof vests.
I say it's a disgrace, myself. If we were serious about educating our children, we'd give teachers little reinforced booths with a "letterbox" aperture to allow them to return fire.
(Warning! Stolen joke alert - dishonestly acquired suggestion incoming!)
In fact, I'd go further and give teachers police dogs for classroom control. To make it easier for the dogs to bring down unruly pupils, I'd make sure the room was strewn with little see-saws and hoops.
Some pupils might get past these obstacles, but the dogs will be on them in a flash as soon as the kids try to slalom through the row of little sticks.