Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Year! (Yet More Bloody Lists)

Anybody else suffering deja vu?

I never talk about Israel/Palestine on this blog if I can help it, since the issue is a guaranteed tosser-magnet, but it appears that we are stuck in a time-warp... Those who don't read history are condemned to act like utter wankers indefinitely, it seems.

Had I been knocked out in the summer of 2006 and woken up today, I wouldn't see anything amiss. We've got the Israelis engaged in mass bombardment of heavily-populated urban areas in pursuit of unachievable goals, while much of the world's media waxes lyrical about how bombing cities in pursuit of unachievable goals is perfectly sensible;

The Decent Left are once again proving why they are one of Britain's nastiest political sects, and;

Lots of people I've always thought of as reasonable and rational have, frankly, lost their damn minds.

I'll cheerfully say that I regard bloggers' responses to the 2006 assault on Beirut as the most shameful incident in the already embarrassing history of the form - essentially, an avalanche of mendacious, lying bullshit designed to convince people to support a murderous, pointless bombing campaign. And yet, here we are again.

Let's run through what happened last time and see how this round of pointless death and destruction compares to 2006...

- Terrorists are evil, ergo the faction I support can kill as many civilians as it likes with total impunity; (Check)

The Palestinians are Hitler, it is 1939 and I Am Churchill. (Check)

This situation is a horrible tragedy and I personally feel terrible about the lives lost, but what the hell, let's get bombing, people! (Check)

Anyone who says that bombing cities in pursuit of pointless goals isn't moral is a disgusting anti-semitic Nazi who thirsts for genocide. (Check)

- Some bloke somewhere waved a placard saying We Are All Hezbollah, ergo anyone who says that bombing cities in pursuit of unachievable goals isn't moral is a disgusting, pro-jihadist Nazi who thirsts for genocide. (Cross, but I suspect it's in the post)

Some guy with a website compared some photos and proved that cruise missiles are surgical instruments for the laser-accurate vaporisation of evil; that they never kill any innocents, ever, and that anyone who says otherwise is a disgusting, pro-genocide genocidalist who thirsts for genocide. (Cross, but see above)

The BBC, the International Red Cross, Reuters, The Guardian, ITV, CNN, The New York Times, Channel Four, the Independent and hundreds of other media outlets are actively working with terrorists by failing to report the conflict according to my fucknut prejudices; (Cross - I haven't seen anything worse than stupid blog commenters, but no doubt that's in the post too.)

Decent Leftist incapable of saying Bombing cities in pursuit of unachievable goals isn't moral without also tacking on a lot of semi-hysterical shite about the horrible opinions of unnamed lefties. (Check)

Melanie Phillips goes doom-bonkers, humiliates self. (Check)

...And on it goes. I'm neither a military specialist nor a political analyst, but during the 2006 campaign I argued with many, many wingnuts that...

a) the Israelis' war aims were unachievable, and had probably been drawn up by morons;

b) that bombing petrol stations, ports, bridges, random cars, blocks of flats and such were easily-identified war crimes; that anyone saying otherwise had shat on his or her reputation and that their pronouncements should be treated thereafter as inherently suspect;

c) that the Israelis dropping a bunker-buster on Mrs. Rodent, for instance, because she lived in the same building as a terrorist would cause me to think more nasty thoughts about the Israelis, and not less; and that

d) rather than being destroyed, Hezbollah would emerge more popular than ever.

If anyone can think of a reason why we should expect a different outcome this time, comments are below.

Monday, December 29, 2008

FR's 2008 Review, Cont.

Right, so where were we? Oh yes, trawling through another one of those God-awful end-of-the-year round-ups.


Ireland firmly rejected the EU reform treaty, thus saving the nation from an invading horde of bloodthirsty killer abortionists and the rest of Europe from tyrannical rule by Eurocrat Nazi-Communists who want to abolish freedom itself, at least until next year's vote on the same treaty;

- Robert Mugabe's election slogan The Destruction Of Our Nation's Infrastructure In An Orgy Of Bloodcurdling Violence We Need proves surprisingly and suspiciously popular with the Zimbabwean electorate.


Bhutan voted in its first-ever democratic election following the abdication of King Wangchuck, prompting mourning royalists to ask How Much Wang King Wangchuck Would Chuck, If King Wangchuck Could Chuck Wang*;

- In a well-thought-out gambit that was almost guaranteed to win the affection of the British people, hopalong harridan Heather Mills failed to convince a judge that much-loved entertainer Paul McCartney is an evil, abusive scumbag who wouldn't give her any money.

- Disgusting scenes at the UEFA Cup Final in Manchester, where a battallion of ultraviolent riot police attacked crowds of law-abiding Rangers fans by beating them on the feet and fists with their faces, ribs and testicles.


- Actor Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years in jail for breaking out of a cryogenic prison and murdering twenty seven people, plus several counts of wanton vandalism and public affray with Kentucky-Fried-Chicken-faced Botox-horror Sylvester Stallone;

- Austria is stunned by police incompetence when it emerges that, in 1972, a teenaged Josef Fritzl was voted Pupil Most Likely To Imprison And Repeatedly Impregnate His Daughter by his fellow students in his high school yearbook.


- Corpse-fed former royal butler Paul Burrell stuns Britain by announcing that he "removed Princess Diana's ring from her body" after her death, stunning a nation that had previously been unaware of either his surgical skills or his gruesome sexual predilictions;

- The population of Tibet appears on British television show Who Wants To Be An Oppressed People Whose Struggle For Freedom Is An Inspiration To Us All; Despite high initial viewing figures and popular enthusiasm, the show is cancelled due to lack of interest.

- With one final show of force, Israel finally bombs the anti-semitism out of the Palestinians, who immediately cease all attacks and ask if they can get the Israelis a nice cup of tea.


The BBC reports the threat that killer ladybirds pose to Scotland, despite the fact that I could take on ladybirds ten at a time and still win easily, regardless of how disgruntled they are;

- Germany recognises Kosovo but is seized by a sudden irrational fear that it might not actually be Kosovo, and actually just a country that looks a bit like it, so doesn't go over to say hello.


The death of Bobby Fischer is mourned by the world of anti-semitic chess, and

- At his final State of the Union address, President George W. Bush is fondly bombarded with shoes.

Well, that's almost it for another year, as we look forward to another year of appalling natural disasters, financial catastrophes and terrorist outrages - a happy New Year to one and all, when it comes!

*Joke copyright commenter Herr Doktor Bimler, whose excellent bit of wordplay has earned him the privilege of being mercilessly plagiarised.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

Saccharine Moment At The End Of The Film

Dave Osler was listing his heroes earlier this month, and it struck me as a good excuse to spank out an easy post on the matter. It particularly appealed to me since my modus operandi is to pick something I don't like then launch into a wordy rant on how shit it is.

Being a raving egomaniac, it's not easy for me to choose people I admire, but let's crack on....

World of Arseing About On-Camera

Clint - the definition of "grizzled", but fuck me - what a body of work that is; the joyfully barking Terry Gilliam, and everyone involved in the production of Children of Men. A barbarous list, but cinema isn't really my thing - I hate it, in fact. Being herded in like cows to watch 45 minutes of adverts, before being shown some half-assed, thrown-together Hollywood bullshit - not my thing.

World of Running About Like a Dick

The totally obvious Hitler-affronting Jesse Owens; twinkle-toed why-doesn't-everybody-play-like-that genius Henrik Larsson; Studied-To-Death chess monomaniac Jose Raul Capablanca; Euro trophy-winning, gag-cracking smartarse and all-round good bloke Gordon Strachan; Demi-God Czech football messiah Lubomir Moravcik; Dedicated, deceased ginger midfield dynamo Tommy Burns. (Yes, Celtic-heavy, what did you expect?)

World of Banjo-Twanging

Greatest living Scotsman and bass supremo Jack Bruce; Top-notch geezer, average-song-writer and screamtastic noise-merchant Dave Grohl; rock collossus Josh Homme; Singed, twang-happy string-plucker Django Reinhardt; Holst; Crack-hungry growler Mark Lanegan; Dead Clash frontman Joe Strummer; Mozart; Monocular albino and general nutter David Bowie; Where-The-Fuck-Did-He-Go Jane's Addiction bassist Eric Avery; Oddball, polysyllabic Pavement frontman Steven Malkamus; Lipstick-happy-Jesus-Get-The-Fuck-Away-From-Me mentalist PJ Harvey.

World of Shooty Violence

They-Don't-Make-'Em-Like-That-Any-More WWI Classicist Robert Graves; Ooops, probably a bit of a fascist Roman military genius Germanicus (see also, Graves, above); Propaganda-inflated Nazi-killer Vasily Zaitsev; Sensitive war casualty Wilfred Owen and nation-founding wig-wearer George Washington.

Tha Honeyz

Fragrant, gorilla-humping late-bloomer Naomi Watts; Alien slime-beast fodder Radha Mitchell.

World of Scribbling For Money

You-Should-Read-Lolita-But-Honestly-I'm-Not-A-Paedo multilingual chess-lover Vladimir Nabokov; Gumshoe innovator Raymond Chandler; The racist but excellent Joseph Conrad; Practically the entire staff of The Exile, i.e. my favourite working journalist Matt Taibbi, total bastard but hilarious Mark Ames and weirdo Berkley Russophile John Dolan.

World of Spouting Bullshit For The Entertainment Of Twats

Pete Cook; All at Viz; Monty Yes-I-Know,-It's-Obvious bloody Python; the notorious sex-tourist Hutton, the world-beating brilliance of Richard Pryor.

World Of Dead People

Mong-fucked Roman Emperor Claudius (as related by Graves, above); Sexby, as related by Paul Foot in his book The Vote and definitely not by The Devil's Whore; Spartacus (yes, yawn); So-Crates, dude; Butcher of bastards Saladin.

Update! Oh, and now I come to think of it, Thomas Jefferson. Criminal oversight.

Update 2! It occurs to me that Freddie Mercury should go down in history as the world's most brillaint human being, who spread more joy than any other. I should have known better than to start this off.

I can think of many more, but time and tedium forbid. Anybody I missed?

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

FR's 2008 Review

...And what an odd year it's been. In 2008, the British public couldn't decide whether they were more outraged by the police for not beating to death the Packs of Feral Youths That Blight Our Once-Great Nation, or by the criminals who actually were beating to death the Packs of Feral Youths That Blight Our Once-Great Nation...

...It was the year when it finally became apparent that the West's economy was entirely based upon the ruling class's willingness to believe in the literal existence of golden unicorns that shoot rubies out of their eyes and gold bricks out of their arses, leading to massive government investment to shore up the ruby-shooting, gold-shitting unicorn industry...

...And it was a year in which the great and the good leapt to their feet in spirited defence of lowly Georgia, finally opening their mouths to righteously denounce the mighty Russian bastards, before slowly sitting back down, opening their newspapers and pretending they'd never spoken as it emerged that the Russo-Georgian War was a bit more of a level-bastardry field than we had initially been led to believe.

It was an odd one alright, and as a passionate believer in learning our lessons from our forebears, I'd like to review this year's events for posterity... I'll start from this week and work backwards, since that might be easier.


- The month in which Pope Benedict XVI told the world that maybe we shouldn't rush to judgement about this whole homosexuality thing, and announced that he would personally lead a Vatican inquiry into steamy bareback action and those hot, hot cocks;

- After years of bombing and mayhem, the Americans finally brought democracy to the island of Sark;

- Channel Four announced that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would give this year's Alternative Christmas Address, in which he will extend the hand of friendship, understanding and will expose all those Zionist lies about the Holocaust.


- In joyful scenes that recall the promise of the American dream, Joe Biden became the 47th white Vice President of the United States.* Americans of every creed and colour were united in joy as Barack Obama was elected the country's first non-asshole President since 1945.

- On Mars, water is found - it is shipped to Earth, where the Coca-Cola Company sells it for £1.49 a bottle under the name Dasani;


- Oliver Stone's George Bush biopic W. opens in cinemas, causing an instantaneous economic crash and mass redundancies. In response, the government implements extreme measures permitting torture and arbitrary detention to maintain order, while the middle east collapses in anarchy.

- Austrian Nazi Jorg Haider demonstrates that far-right, racist politicians can be trusted with responsibility and power by getting pissed up and splattering himself in a massive car smash. Later revelations of homoerotic tendencies are downplayed by a world deeply saddened by the fascist twat's entertaining demise.


- After the assassination of Benazir Bhutto and a fresh attempt on Prime Minister Yousaf Raza Gillani's life, Pakistan admits defeat by opening the world's first Clay Politician-Shooting Range;

- The CERN Large Hadron Collider was turned on, immediately confirming alarmist fears that an explosion of bad jokes about turned-on, throbbing Hadrons could cause the Earth to be consumed by an enormous comedy black hole.


- Evil computer tyrant Skynet sent cyborg swimming-machine Michael Phelps back in time to kill Olympic competitors' gold medal hopes;

- Also at the Beijing Games, in a completely, like, mindblowing development, sources reported that protester Samantha Parkinson was totally on television and everything. Unconfirmed speculation suggests that a man seen being shoved to the floor and handcuffed by police may have been Charlie, you know, that one with the nose-ring that Ashley got off with at Tabitha's party, which would be just like, hey, this is crazy, right?


- Fugitive war criminal Radovan Karadzic is finally captured after spending the last fifteen years disguised as a stoned chinchilla;

- Gurning shitehawks Nickelback's fuck-awful dirge Rock Star debuts at number one in the charts after throngs of cloth-eared cockwits flock to the shops in their bovine thousands to burn actual money for a disc chock-full of honking aural bumwipe.

More Year In Review to follow...

*Joke copyright Harold Hutton Esq., 2008

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

"Bilal Abdullah, you stand here accused of conspiracy to murder by detonating explosive devices in London and Glasgow. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour. The dead guy did it."

"Excuse me?"

"The dead guy, your worship, my friend Kafeel Ahmed... I thought we were just going for a nice drive from London to Glasgow through the night in a car full of petrol, gas tanks and nails."

"I see... So you mean to tell the court that there is an innocent explanation for your actions?"

"Absolutely, your holiness. See, my friend Kafeel was always keen on a bit of nocturnal welding and amateur carpentry and I was just trying to help him out."

"Right... And the voice recordings, and the small matter of you trying to light petrol bombs and fighting with the police while shouting your mad Jihadi slogans at the top of your voice?"

"All a misunderstanding, your grace. It was dark in that car, and I was lighting up to see... And I was just clearing my throat while I was trying to explain myself to those nice officers."

"And do you have anything else to say in your defence?"

"Only that I actually did want to set off the bombs, your majesty, but it was all just a big prank."

"Of course, a prank. Well, on this evidence, I have no option but to acquit you of all charges and declare you a free man."

"Really? Well, that's -"

"No, of course not 'really', shit-for-brains. This court finds you guilty as sin of being a crap terrorist and a thick twat to boot. Now, fuck off to prison for twenty five years* while we get on with laughing at your pitiful defence..."

...At least, that's how I imagine it went.

I always imagined that any crazed fanatic would leap at the chance to get his face on TV and expound his ludicrous reasoning before an audience - that's what Zacarias Moussaoui did at any rate.

Who would've thought that Britain, home of the world's most horrifying reality TV/celebrity culture, would throw up the world's most camera shy and modest terrorists?

n.b. Update 17/12 - Apologies - Clairoyance fail... 32 years-to-life.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Your Meritocracy In Action

A Short Guide To The Bullshit-Based Economy

International finance - A bullshit money-based notional market in which Financiers and Banks compete and/or co-operate with each other to see who can die with the most Toys.

Financier -
A person who handles large amounts of bullshit money, usually involving large transfers into untraceable accounts in Bermuda. A highly-trained professional who makes investments for which he or she is yet to be arrested.

Bank - A Financial Institution which handles large amounts of bullshit money before begging the Taxpayer for a Bailout.

Investor - A person giving actual money to a Financier in the hope of a reasonable return, often from the taxpayer. The Sucker; the Mark.

The Taxpayer - You
; the Patsy.

Money Heaven
Afterlife for bullshit money, from which there is no return.

Credit Default Swap -
Financial contract in which one party takes actual money from another in exchange for a promise to return a larger sum on the occurance of Event (x), before transferring the actual money into an untraceable account in Bermuda and begging the Taxpayer for financial aid.

Innovation - Ingenious method by which a Financier turns actual money into bullshit money, and uses it to buy Toys.

Financial Scandal - What happens when a Financier gets a little bit too Innovative and is caught in possession of a few more Toys than society deems tasteful.

Bailout - Event in which Banks rob the Taxpayer's Children at gunpoint, then offer to lend the same money back to their parents at very reasonable rates.

Recession -
Financial downturn in which you lose your job and the Financiers and Bankers promise to cut down on Fraud for a while.

Meritocracy - Social system by which the brightest and best are promoted to the highest positions, from where they are able to magically generate vast sums of bullshit money with which to buy toys, before begging the Taxpayer for a Bailout and being arrested.

Regulation - Governmental mechanisms designed to ensure that the Financiers and Bankers can transfer the maximum amounts into undetectable bank accounts in Bermuda.

Democracy -
Political system in which the Taxpayer decides which party should be in charge of Regulation.

That will be £499.99, please - all credit cards accepted.

Ba-Doom, Tish! Is Not a Foreign Policy

"He [George Bush] deserves to be hit with 100, not just one or two shoes. Who wants him to come here? " - Baghdad resident

Okay, so lots of people are giggling about the Iraqi journalist who threw his shoes at President Bush and called him a "dog" - from what I can gather, the middle eastern equivalent of peeing on his knee while giving him the finger and calling him a baboon-blowing bag of clot-stupid arse-chutney, or suchlike.

But let's be deadly serious for a moment and admit that, in Saddam's Iraq, this journalist would not have been able to exercise his basic human right to hurl footwear at the President of the United States.

In Saddam's Iraq, it would've been impossible to lamp the POTUS with a loafer, unless you were capable of spanging the mother between the eyes from the southern border while he was on one of his visits to Saudi or something.

So before we all go gloating over George W.'s latest pant-plummeting pratfall, let's recall that this is merely another one of those slapstick, Benny Hill fuck-ups that can be blown off with the catch-all excuse But Saddam was evil before returning to our previous beliefs on the matter...

...Although I imagine this won't be the final humiliation, given that the Bush presidency has been one goof-laden, cringe-inducing boner after another exploding turd-in-the-box. Me, I wouldn't be surprised if he pulls out his finest Lt. Frank Drebin impersonation at Obama's inauguration.

Just watch - first he'll solemnly muse that, the next time he bombs an Afghan wedding party, he could get arrested... Then there'll be assorted beaver gags, before he somehow becomes the first President in history to leave office by falling face-first into a shopping trolley and careering down the National Mall into the Reflecting Pool, while the band plays Yakety-Sax.

Honestly, unless Gordon Brown appoints the Chuckle Brothers to his cabinet, life's about to get a lot harder for lazy, left wing smartarses.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Whittle You Into Kindlin'

Since I'm in a straw man-bayoneting mood tonight, I'll note that I've also heard variations on this argument before, deployed today in the context of the terrorist assault on gun-free Mumbai...

"In January 1909 two such anarchists... tried to commit a robbery in north London, armed with automatic pistols. Edwardian Londoners, however, shot back – and the anarchists were pursued through the streets by a spontaneous hue-and-cry. The police, who could not find the key to their own gun cupboard, borrowed at least four pistols from passers-by, while other citizens armed with revolvers and shotguns preferred to use their weapons themselves to bring the assailants down...

...The arming of the populace guaranteed rather than disturbed the peace."

I suspect that a pistol was an expensive item in 1909, effectively restricting ownership to the wealthy. I imagine that in a new, heavily-armed British Utopia, modern mass production and open competition might tend to, well, democratise the issue.

I wonder if those people who currently have a big boner for gun ownership might think twice when they realise that they don't have eyes in the backs of their heads? After all, I saw that scene in Reservoir Dogs where Tim Roth tried to jack that car, and it didn't turn out well for anyone involved.

Well, we probably wouldn't have to worry so much about the anarchists, I suppose, but it'd certainly liven up those late-night stops at the bank machine.

Empire Fail, LOL

The Aaronovitch Watchers direct our attention to this piece by mobile mid-life crisis Andrew Anthony, in which he considers the news that, around sixty years ago, Barack Obama's Granddad was imprisoned and tortured by the British authorities in Kenya.

I'll ignore Anthony, who uses the story as an excuse to bash a) evil African dictators and b) unnamed persons suffering from liberal guilt - what interests me are the commenters, a couple of whom lament the awful PC liberals who are forever doing down Britain's glorious history and sucking off tyrants.

Well, if straw men are good enough for Anthony and company, they're good enough for me, so I'll ask you to take me at face value when I say I've heard the following assertion in certain quarters, from conservative commentators in newspapers to blokes down the pub... The belief that young Britons are indoctrinated with anti-British ideology from an early age, coached to believe that our dastardly deeds outweigh the crimes of nefarious foreigners.

I'm in a good position to deal with this contention, as it happens - I was taught modern history right up to the age of 21* in a country whose politics were dominated by the left, all the way down to the PTA. If you were looking for a part of Britain where the curriculum was being set by the dreaded socialists, this was it.

Despite being educated in the late 20th century - ground zero for the infamous Political Correctness - I don't remember being walked through the crimes of the British Empire. In fact, between the ages of five and twenty one, I don't recall ever being taught about, say, the potato famine, the Mau Mau uprising, the British invasion of Tibet, the Croke Park Massacre or any number of nasty imperial misdeeds.

On the other hand, I was taught at length about the Reign of Terror, the genocide of the Native Americans, the liquidation of the Kulaks, the rise of Italian and German fascism and the Holocaust. I studied foreign warmongers and despots from Bismarck to General Franco. I read about the American annexation of Mexican territory, the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact, the collaborators of Vichy France and Stalin's starvation of the Ukraine.

Not that there was no British history on offer, of course. I learned plenty about the industrial revolution, David Hume and the Scottish Enlightenment, 19th century laissez-faire economics, World War One (Germany's fault, just in case anyone was worried about liberal guilt there)... The rise of the Labour movement, the enfranchisement of women and the emergence of modern British society... All of it stuffed full of progress, industry and decency.

Given all this, you can imagine it all came as quite a shock when I finally got round to picking up a book about the history of Ireland or India.

Now, it could be that I'm a poor example because, if I'm being honest, I was a poor student who tended to ignore unappealing subjects if I thought I could get away with it.

On the other hand, I could be entirely typical of the period. Anybody care to offer an opinion?

(Just as a coda, let me note my opinion on complaints about anti-British sentiments in history teaching. Note the diagrams below...

Conclusion - the 20th century is over, and we lost. No need for a tearful wank** about it, though).

*And no, I wasn't held back in primary school for four years.

**"Tearful wank" - Humorous gesture directed at an upset person, made by forming a crying, boo-hoo gesture with one hand while sarcastically waving a loosely-clenched fist. Often followed by abrupt evasive action.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Video Game Review


Ever been enjoying in an amusing bit of internet chat, only to have some dork barrel in shouting about how the BBC is a Marxist propaganda tool, whose funding is extorted from the people with the threat of official force?

Ever had some joker explain to you with a straight face that all of Britain's problems are due to the existence of welfare, and felt a mad desire to smash your computer to pieces with a hammer?

Well your time has come peeps, for oddball first-person libertarian-shooter Bioshock is now available on all major platforms, and it offers a variety of vicious weapons with which to blast, impale, burn and electrocute a vast array of deranged right wing fruitcakes.

Set in 1960, the game takes place in Rapture, an underwater city that operates on strict Randroid rules, founded by double-handed wingnut wanker Andrew Ryan. The city's ludicrous take on a Darwinist Utopia - basically, I'm Rich, Fuck Off And Die - has inevitably led to society's total collapse. Here, rather than mooching around bitching about smoking bans and lecturing the disinterested and indifferent on the merits of minarchism, the libertarians of Rapture have regressed into capitalism with the gloves off - i.e. killing people weaker than them then taking their stuff, and sneaking around harrassing little girls.

The game is chock-full of moral and political philosophy and offers the player the opportunity to play as hero or villain, but the core of the game is simple - to whack as many right wingers as possible by exploding them with grenades, braining them with a spanner or setting them on fire with pyrokinesis.

A joy to play, this game is a must-have for anyone who's ever been subjected to a lengthy tirade on how it will rain tits and champagne if only everyone agrees to suck down bucketloads of raw, steaming shite about the miracles of the free market and smaller government.

Rating: Like loony-bin victimwank website Samizdata, except you get a flamethrower. Outstanding. 9/10

Update!: For further libertarianism in video games, readers are advised to check out the post-apocalyptic nightmare universe of Fallout 3.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Activities More Productive And Less Infuriating...

...Than Spending Four Weeks Trying To Convince British Telecom That Your Broadband Service Is Broken And Repeatedly Requesting That An Engineer Attend To Repair It, Only To Be Fobbed Off With Bullshit, Excuses And Impertinent Remarks, Over And Over Again

1. Heat up pan of water until it begins to boil over. Gently lower clackersack into pan while whistling theme tune to The A Team.

2. Pick up telephone and dial BT's Customer "Service" line. Once connected to BT bullshit-monkey, shove receiver up own anus. Entertain family pet with amusing anecdotes, witty off-the-cuff repartee.

3. Invent your own written alphabet composed of crude anatomical drawings, beat own face with spanner.

Addendum - BASIC Instructions For Speaking with British Telecom Bullshit-Monkey

70 GOTO 10

Bastards, the lot of them. When I become Supreme Ruler Of Greater Caledonia (Incorporating The Protectorate Of Lesser London), they'll be first against the wall.

Sunday, November 09, 2008

Historic Poll Result As U.S. Elects Reasonable Human Being

Barack Obama Wins With Message of Hope, Change, Not Being a Total Asshole About Everything

All News Media, 5th November 2008

In what many see as a turning point for the country, Barack Obama has won the presidency of the United States, sweeping to power with broad support from both asshole and non-asshole Americans.

Transcending years of prejudice, division and a traditional tendency to elect the goofiest, nastiest motherfucker on the ballot to the nation's highest office, the American people yesterday voted decisively for their first non-asshole president in living memory.

There were emotional scenes as Americans watched the historic result, with many expressing joy, astonishment and strong hopes for a brighter, marginally less offensive future.

"I never thought I'd see this day," said Marjorie Woncklespanck, a 62-year-old Virginian who has lived through decades of unbelievable presidential vindictiveness, small-minded, bigoted stupidity and plain old mean-spirited evil.

"All my life, every President has been a complete jerk... Whether he was crushing labour unions, launching pointless, jingoistic military bloodbaths or just whipping up fear and hatred of foreigners, homos, blacks and commies, I just accepted the fact that I'd never live to see an intelligent, reasonable human being in the White House."

"It gladdens my heart to think we have a president who might be able to restrain himself from sticking his dick into his secretary's ear within five minutes of taking office."

The result is being hailed as a victory for decency and common sense, as the electorate delivered a devastating rejection of the Republican candidates, who ran on a political platform of being the dumbest, meanest, ugliest assholes imaginable.

Republican nominee John McCain, an asshole of epic proportions, used his concession speech to apologise to a crowd of his pigshit-thick, wildly aggressive, yahoo supporters for failing to swing the American people behind his My Opponent Is a Traitor, a Commie And Probably a Faggot To Boot campaign message.

"My fellow asshole Americans, I did everything in my power to demonstrate to the people of this country that I was the belligerent, ignorant, flag-waving knucklehead that this country needed... I fell short in that effort. I congratulate my opponent Barack Obama - " (Loud boos, screams, gunshots) "- on winning the White House. I have every confidence that he will be a good and effective president -" (Grunts, howls, sound of gallows being hastily erected) "- and will now focus on finding new and inventive ways to tell newspaper reporters that he is a commie terrorist who lusts for the blood of Christian children."

President Elect Barack Obama now faces difficult challenges on the economy and foreign policy. Insiders are counselling caution as the incoming president will have to make a number of unpopular decisions, but his supporters are confident that he will tackle the issues without being a total cunt about it.

Monday, November 03, 2008

What Happens When The Author Has 10 Minutes To Post And No Time To Edit

Sitting down at the internet cafe tonight, and still offline at the house for reasons more embarrassingly stupid than I care to list. It really couldn't have come at a worse time than slap-bang in the middle of the American election, which has careered wildly off the path of mild amusement and crashed into an insane asylum of hooting lunacy, leaving the streets filled with dazed, drooling wingnuts.

From what I can pick up off FOX News and CNN, the internet's a veritable shitstorm of rancid crazy, and here I am, reading mere books in my spare time! Proper ones, with no pictures!

There's no justice.

Still, being offline has given me a different perspective, i.e. the watch the news or read a paper one that people who aren't politics geeks have, and here's what I'm picking up...

Barack Obama is totally a socialist, and he wants to give rich people's money to poor people. The honest, hardworking poor people don't want rich people's money, because that's un-American, and Americans hate money, especially other people's money that's free.

I know that because the woman on FOX News said she'd read 1984 twice, and she can smell the echoes of fascism and communism. It's not clear in what way a fascist echo smells differently to a communist echo, but the reek of totalitarianism is tangible. Hence, an Obama victory means a future in which unlaced white, special edition Run DMC Reebok trainer stamps on a human face forever, except when the trainer takes time out from stamping on the face to pick America's pocket, and then it's back to the stamping.

Mind, Bill O'Reilly announced that Obama can't be a communist, because he buys things. You can always spot a commie, because he isn't interested in drugs or beer or rent boys like the rest of us - oh no. Your average commie would rather sit reading Camus in a cafeteria while stroking his beard, and you'd better believe that the Camus, the cafeteria and the beard will all have been stolen from the sweat of the working man's brow.

Also, John McCain was a Prisoner of War (note the capitals, peeps) and a long spell in a bamboo cage seems to have left him with too much skin on his neck, a cadaverous grin and a tendency to hug bald plumbers. Not that he got up to anything gay or anything in the camp, because he favours family values, but he could've done, having been a strapping lad who's up for action at the drop of a hat.

Not only that, but Barack Obama stands for Hope and Change, and he proves it every day by setting his jaw and staring determinedly into the middle distance. You might think he's gazing into an unknown future with solemn determination, but I can tell you what he sees there - he sees a photographer, and a load of egghead, elitist journalists shouting Ack-Ack-Ack! like the aliens in Mars Attacks! - but those journalists are symbolic, not literal.

They're saying that America is about to turn a corner, and that there's light at the end of the tunnel which is just round the corner, and that light at the end of the tunnel which is just round the corner is symbolic too - it symbolises a new dawn for America, or at least a good chance that the President can use the word Negotiation without being called a queer on national television.

Also, Sarah Palin is dangerously insane.

Right, that's your lot - I'm out of credit. Back as soon as possible.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

So Many, And So Few Lamp Posts

Forgot to mention this at the time, but third-choice AC Milan goalkeeper Christian Abbiati has declared that he's proud to be a fascist.

"I am not ashamed to proclaim my political beliefs," (the bench-bound stopper told Sportsweek magazine recently) "I agree with some aspects of fascism like patriotism and the values of the Catholic religion... I like the capacity Fascism had to secure law and order. It guaranteed security for the people."

Thankfully, he's less keen on the race laws, which is nice of him.

Naturally, I just made the common sense assumption that Abbiati is merely expressing his discontent with the left wing, liberal elitists who govern Italy and that he's been driven into the arms of the far right by multicultural policies favouring immigrants over him and his family.

But something's been bugging me about that commonly-accepted concept for ages, and no sooner had I read this article than, like a thunderbolt, it struck me - Christian Abbiati isn't victimised - he's a multi-millionaire living like a rock star in a country led by a right wing, immigrant-baiting wingnut fruitcake!

That realisation left me with only one possible conclusion - if he's not being oppressed and disenfranchised by multi-culti, PC leftists, he must have turned to fascism because he's a pig-ignorant fucking moron.

Now, don't all jump down my throat at once here. I hate those damned liberal elitists just as much as the rest of you do, but this forces us to entertain some unfamiliar ideas. What if - and I'm playing Devil's advocate here, mind - what if it's not just millionaire footballers?

What if support for the far right by ordinary people all over Europe owes less to tyrannical multiculturalism than it does to their cretinous desire to blame all of their personal problems on blacks, PC do-gooders, gays, Poles, criminal-loving lawyers, gypsies and Muslims, to name but a few?

I mean, the implications here are vast, almost beyond my comprehension. It would mean that, rather than being reasonable, decent people driven to desperate measures by forces beyond their control, voters for far right parties would actually be just, well, angry, racist retards.

I know, I know, I can hear you telling me that it's not polite to call people angry, but it's the only explanation that makes sense... And that's not all.

Allow me to extend this hypothesis, if you will. No mainstream party is about to stand on a policy of, say, sending 'em all back where they came from, and so can never compete with the far right for meanness or hatemongering. Hence, they're not going to attract voters whose main priority is sending 'em all back.

This implies that, rather than trying to pander to such voters with crap legislation, British governments should instead invite anyone who threatens to vote for Angry Dickheads For Repatriation to fuck off and vote for them, then, and not come crawling back when when the bull-necked dimwits you vote in discover that running a local authority is a bit more complicated than shoving shit through a Pakistani shopkeeper's letterbox.

I mean, let's be honest - when we're talking about far right politicians, we're talking about people too stupid to drive cars without smashing them into walls and pulverising themselves into mean-spirited goo.

Now, I know what many readers will be saying... Rodent, you've taken this too far, you've gone out on a limb and soared off into La-La Land. Ignorant, angry, moronic, racist, lazy-minded, shite-for-brains retards indeed!

Me, I reckon I'm onto something here. After all, I hear a lot of woofing and yammering about I'll be voting for the British Union of Slack-Jawed, Violent Trolls at the next election, and get the impression that I'm supposed to be horrified and outraged. Quite the opposite, in fact - I say, be my guest, dumbass.

This is a democracy, after all, voter. If you know what you want, then truly you deserve to get it good and hard.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Krugman Wins Nobel Prize For Economics

Vows to Slam "Ultimate Smackdown" On Rivals, Unify Intellectual Heavyweight Belts

Undefeated Macroeconomic Bruiser Develops Simple, Layman's-Terms Model For Growth Prediction in East Asian Markets And Kicking Your Goddamn Ass-Bone Up Your No-Good Windpipe

Krugman - "I will eat your children and garrotte your pets"

BBC News, 13th October 2008

Thursday, October 09, 2008


What a depressing couple of weeks it's been - financial carnage everywhere, as young and old alike watch dumbstruck in the red glow of their burning finances.

Seriously, I'm sitting on the windowledge while I type this.

Yet today brings us an honest-to-God miracle in the shape of Karl Merk, the German double amputee who has been the first subject of a successful double arm transplant.

In such times, it's wonderful and uplifting to see this inspiring tale of triumph over adversity and the ingenuity of man. I can scarcely imagine what it must be like for Mr. Merk, who has lived without arms for six years. Basic actions that we perform unconciously and take for granted such as turning on a light switch, boiling a kettle or having a quick one off the wrist must've been impossible, insurmountable challenges for him.

I mean, think about it - he must have bollocks like baseballs after six years without arms.

What a testament to man's triumph over the limitations of mere nature. I'm in awe of this act of defiance in the face of our precarious inheritance... this proclaimation that we will not be defeated by simple misfortune or denied the chance to make the beast with one back every now and then.

That's not to say that this wondrous procedure does not raise serious moral questions. There are ethical issues around the use of donated organs and human dignity, not least the fact that Mr. Merk is probably engaged at this very moment in a menage a une using another man's wank-spanner, which sounds a bit gay if you ask me.

In fact, I imagine that knocking one out with a dead man's hand might feel a bit like someone else was doing it, although this could be easily circumvented if Mr. Merk sat on his new hand for a bit, until it went numb - then it would probably feel like somebody else was doing it with another dead man's hand.

Unless of course, he sat on his meat and two veg at the same time, in which case it would feel like somebody else was whacking off somebody else with somebody else's dead man's hand, or something.

Either way, the implications for medical science and hand-to-gland combat are almost limitless. This is a great day in human history, friends.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

You're Like a German Parakeet

(Note - this report just in from our Alternative Universe correspondent, who covers a world infinitely more sane and just than this.)

Candidates Villify "War Criminal" Kissinger, Call For His Arrest And Trial
Alternative Reality News, 28th September 2008

Both presidential candidates sought to distance themselves from any association with former Secretary of State Dr. Henry Kissinger during Friday's presidential debate, furiously condemning his involvement in illegal bombing campaigns, his role in deposing democratically elected leaders and complicity in mass murder and ethnic cleansing during the '60s and '70s.

"I'm aware that Dr. Kissinger has commented on American foreign policy," Senator Obama said, "But the fact remains that he is a wanted war criminal and a fugitive from justice, and I wish our law enforcement agencies the best of luck in bringing this despicable man to trial."

Senator McCain, however, criticised Obama for being too lenient on Kissinger. "Speaking as a former POW who was captured while bombing North Vietnam, I am disgusted that Senator Obama has not called for Dr. Kissinger's immediate execution... Not a day goes by in which I don't regret my involvement in the massive aerial bombardment of that country, nor the role I played in a war that killed over two million Vietnamese, most of them civilians. Dr. Kissinger should be hunted down like a dog and executed like a pig for what he did to Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos during his tenure."

Shouting to be heard over the cheering studio audience, Senator Obama endorsed Senator McCain's statement and vowed that, should he be elected president, the capture, trial and televised execution of all American war criminals would be a top priority.

Not to be outdone, Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin pledged to personally track Dr. Kissinger down with her helicopter and rifle, and to "Dispatch him to the very bowels of Hell, where scum like him belongs... He should be crucified upside down for what he did to Chile and Indonesia."

It's a move that has proved popular with the electorate and the press, as the hunt for the rogue foreign policy expert and butcher of the innocent continued. The media has been almost unanimous in its praise for the candidates' tough stance on ensuring prosecutions for all war crimes, regardless of their perpetrators' nationality or the administrations they served.

"What kind of a nation would we be if we allowed a monster like Dr. Kissinger to breathe free air for the rest of his days?" One Republican insider asked this reporter. "The very thought that Dr. Kissinger might be involved in politics even today turns my stomach... If politicians in 2008 were still taking advice from men like him, we might as well just demolish the White House, hand the new president a battle-axe and place him atop a hundred-foot-high pile of children's skulls."

The debates will continue on Thursday, when both candidates are expected to call for the trial and incarceration of hundreds of Wall Street bankers for crimes against humanity.

The ever-excellent Clay Bennett is now publishing his stuff here.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Shorter Nick Cohen

Things have come to a pretty pass when a police officer cannot shoot whoever he likes, whenever he likes, without having to answer a lot of impertinent questions.

Bonus! - What Nick Says And What He Means

"When the police kill an innocent man in a dictatorship, no one dares protest... As the United Nations noted recently, the Rio de Janeiro police kill three people every day. In London, the killing of one man in 2005 is a national scandal..."

One death is a tragedy; three deaths every day is a statistic that proves you are a despicable hypocrite.

"They found it much easier to concentrate on the faults of the Met which, after all, can be held to account by politicians, judges, coroners and journalists than confront the uncontrollable psychosis of religious fascism."

You can't make a freedom omelette without shooting a few eggs in the head eight times at point-blank range, and anyone who says differently is an Islamofascistical.

Bonus bonus! - Build your own Nick Cohen column!

"Once again, the liberals have gone berserk/shown their moral blindness/thrown their lot in with radical religious fascists/murderers/the far right. No sooner had (x) bombed/shot/tortured (y), than liberals were up in arms, declaring/screeching/screaming that (x) was morally indistinguishable from Osama Bin Laden/Idi Amin/Darth Vader...

In an act so common in our times, liberals had lost their bearings/flipped from left to right and turned their backs on/betrayed/intellectually sodomised their suffering comrades in (z).

When dictators/tyrants/fascists in (z) murder/torture their citizens, liberals are silent... But when (x) murders/tortures (y), they are up in arms. They find it easier to attack/accuse/demonise (x), when (x) is fully accountable/a democratic society/will face cursory court proceedings and be slapped on the wrist.

(Insert lengthy and exceptionally dubious anecdote about comments made by fictional liberals at a dinner party in Islington; ensure special mention is made of effeminate foodstuffs)

Put quite simply, liberals are blind to the threat posed by (y). Common sense/national security demands that (x) bomb/shoot/torture (y) to protect civilisation from the dire threat of Osama Bin Laden/Idi Amin/Darth Vader.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

What's Eating Christopher Hitchens?

Okay, so back when the Republicans were attempting to tar Obama as an out-of-touch , wealthy elitist, Hitchens had nothing to say. Then the issue blew up in their faces like an exploding shit-in-the-box as McCain forgot how many houses he owned, and our Chris leapt into action...

"Why oh why can't we focus on real issues? Anyway, McCain was having a bit of a giggle, so why must these Democrats come out with this demagogic, partisan, idiocy?"

And when the Republican Veep nominee turned out to be a vacuous know-nothing with only snarky comments and twee bullshit to recommend her?

"Why oh why must all these dreadful lefties attack Mrs. Palin, and doesn't this just show how both sides are awful, especially that silly Mr. Obama?"

And this week, when the entire capitalist system has juddered to a halt and threatens to pitch us all into penury, what did everyone's favourite tubby, neo-conservative Yoda have to say on the matter?

"Why oh why is Barack Obama such a gutless, whining pussy?"

Is anyone else noticing a theme here? It's almost as if Hitchens is taking every possible opportunity to piss on the left candidate and is focusing on his foibles to the exclusion of all else.

Either that or he fancies that John McCain, and wants to do it with him and everything.

What the hell's up with the guy? I know Paul Wolfowitz made Hitchens his bitch back in 2002, but Jesus, get over it already. If he hasn't called back after five years, he's just not that into you, Chris.

It makes me wonder what Hitchens is going to come out with next. If an incoming McCain/Obama administration decides to nominate Trig Palin as Secretary for Defence, I wouldn't be surprised in the slightest if Hitchens responded by immediately driving round to Joe Biden's house and thrusting his dick into his ear.

God, General Petraeus better keep his head down now that he's back stateside, too, or he's going to wind up having to explain to everyone he meets why there's a boozy English hack furiously humping his leg.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Don't Shoot, Let 'Em Burn!

Being an appreciation of the comedic presidency of George W. Bush; the knaves, fools and cretins who made it possible, and ruminations on the 2008 US elections, as penned by a snarky Scotsman

(Note - posted now because, come January, every no-talent chucklehead with a blog will be boring us to tears with this type of interminable, po-faced retrospective.)

The waning years of the second Bush presidency have seen many posit that the left's boundless contempt for the 43rd president of the United States results from deep-seated elitist disdain for the working man's lifestyle and values, or from their Bush Derangement Syndrome. Some say that, for educated Europeans, W. is the very embodiment of everything they've despised about the new world since De Tocqueville's day, and their hatred for him reveals only their own prejudices.

All of this may well be true, but it's impossible to assess Bush's unpopularity without noting that he actually is a snickering, know-nothing moron - a cheerful imbecile elevated to the most powerful office on the planet solely because he is the pampered, much-indulged son of a spectacularly wealthy plutocrat.

Similarly, when the Charles Krauthammers of the world proclaim that Europeans despise Bush because he has the audacity to defend American interests, it's worth remembering that Bush has presided over almost two terms of screaming, rocket-propelled national decline. Far from defending America, Bush has acted like an Iranian sleeper agent from day one, marching the world's mightiest military into a ruinous bloodbath with only shit-eating grins and macho Hey, we're here to get the bad guys bollocks by way of a plan.

On every foreign policy front, the administration has acted is if it was operating at the behest of Mahmoud Ahmadinejad with a string of astonishing clusterfucks... Exterminating Iranian-hating, psychotic butcher Saddam Hussein and handing control of Iraq to the Ayatollahs; sitting by with their dicks in their hands while the deranged North Korean regime pronounced itself a nuclear power; gibbering about state-mandated buttsex while Pakistan melted down into the kind of anarchic non-state in which warlords could twist Musharraf's tit with impunity and sobbing like schoolgirls while Vladimir Putin took a huge, steaming shit on the White House lawn.

Meanwhile, his economic policies were intended to impale American society on the throbbing horn of the social class he actually represents - royalty - but have resulted this week in big government nationalisations that would give Lenin's corpse a raging boner. Outside of aid to Africa, it's hard to think of a Bush policy that hasn't been a hilarious, slapstick fuck-up that's ceased to be funny when its horrific consequences have become apparent.

The Bush admin, in short, has been the America-hater's wet dream, plunging the world's only superpower into the toilet bowl at the speed of sound. Their actions couldn't have been more perfectly designed to sabotage a global empire if they'd been drawn up by anarchist punks. Between them, the lolloping freaks who have held high office across the pond have ruled like a nightmare coalition of Mikhail Gorbachev, Emperor Franz-Josef and Idi Amin, seemingly bent on turning the nation into the kind of poverty-stricken banana republic they so love to sponsor in the southern hemisphere.

They've been the answered prayer of every batshit crazy Jihadist... But let's not forget that they couldn't have done it without the help of America's own suicide bombers - right wing Christian conservatives.

In the past few months, we've been invited to respect the manias of this particular stratum of American society, as if wilful lunacy, unfocused belligerence and small-minded hatred for the new and the foreign were the hallmarks of the good-hearted working class rather than the prejudices of pig-ignorant shitheads.

The media creatures of the Bush plutocracy have been quick to level charges of snobbery at anyone making the 100% correct point that the Republican base is composed entirely of pant-shitting fruitcakes and uptight closet-cases who would joyfully place a gaggle of Christian mullahs in the Oval Office, given the merest opportunity; who would gladly and ecstatically embrace the most deranged military adventure provided it gave them yet another chance to salute the flag and pretend that the world still works like it did in Band of Brothers.

For make no mistake, nobody hates the modern United States with more passion than the core Republican voter. Consider the cries of Drill, Baby, Drill! at the recent Republican convention - calling for a completely ineffective campaign of environmental vandalism while ignoring the impending energy crisis, just to piss off liberals. You're looking at people who would rather burn their own homes to the ground than countenance a second's happiness for hippies, homos or greenies... People who would cheerfully grind their own cities into sand and salt the earth in which they stood if it'd annoy their political enemies for a moment.

And so we come to the 2008 elections, in which a bad-tempered, 800-year-old war veteran who has criticised every misguided bombing campaign of the past forty years as being overly nice faces off against a black, Harvard-educated intellectual who can say the word diplomacy without puking shit out of his nose. Little wonder, then, that the mental right wing has reacted like the citizens of Rock Ridge in Blazing Saddles.

The highlight of the campaign so far, for me, was undoubtedly the countless bloggers who shat themselves in outrage at Grauniad writer Jonathan Freedland's column, in which he accurately contended that the world would conclude that the Americans are morons if they elect John McCain.

Who does this impertinent foreigner think he is, telling us how to run our country? they said, with absolutely no irony whatsover. It's our country, nobody else tells us what to do, they cried, while the Vietnamese, to choose but one example, still tend rice paddies and fish in rivers that the US Air Force sprayed with poison for a decade.

All of which brings me to the point of this behemoth of a post - what will be the response of reasonable people to the election of a President McCain?

Well, I don't want to speak for the Earth's population, but I'll wager it'll be an immediate realisation that the Americans have decided that their country is too depraved to be allowed to live, and have decided to utterly destroy it.

Me, I reckon the Americans are free to vote as they choose, but my attitude will be similar to that of the soldiers in that scene in Saving Private Ryan where the GIs blast the German pillbox with flamethrowers, setting the unfortunate Nazis ablaze - Don't Shoot, Let 'Em Burn!

Hell, you know that they're just men like you, with families and friends and pets, but you've just watched them cut your buddies in half in a hail of machine gun fire and you're not in a forgiving mood. They've made their choice and they're just going to have to live with the consequences.

If that seems harsh, just look back at the last eight years - really get a good picture in your mind, and concentrate on the relentless horror of it - then imagine another four.

Not quite so harsh now, is it?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Fuckyounomics In Crisis

As our current financial clusterfuck spreads and deepens, slaughtering the great and good with giddy abandon, one question is on everyone's lips - will the fuckyounomic system survive?

I don't think you have to be a committed Marxist to recognise that this particular fuckyounomic disaster - merely the latest in an astonishing string of slapstick fuck-ups - is the entirely predictable result of treating markets as if they were deities, businessmen as if they were saints and theorists as if they were priests.

Regular readers will be able to guess where I'd place ultimate responsibility and won't need another lecture on the subject, so let me summarise by saying A large number of people who have served in government in English-speaking countries and innumerable ideologues and conmen who made their fortunes selling pyramid schemes to the upwardly-mobile.

That said, I notice that lots of people - of whom Grauniad dipshit Seumas Milne is only one - have decided that capitalism as we know it is dead, and are speculating on the world's fuckyounomic future.

If anyone's willing to take the bet on, I've got a tenner that says whatever modified system we adopt will funnel practically all of its profits to those who already possess great wealth and that it'll greatly reward the ruling elites of nations all over the world, while conferring scant benefits on the poor majority.

I also predict that, fifteen years from now, the hot topics at the highest level of government will be deregulation and incentivisation, and that the pages of the world's newspapers will be filled with rah-rah, sabre-rattling free trade horseshit peddled by Friedman-quoting frauds with sharp suits and dazzling stock portfolios.

Or, who knows, maybe it'll be a socialist utopia. Any takers for that bet?

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

International Politics Round-Up

Pushed for time today, so a brief runthrough will have to do...

Starting at home, I see that Scottish Labour have opted for Iain Grey MSP to lead their party. This is a bold choice, as most parties tend to look for vague traces of wit and charisma in their leaders, but it may yet pay off... Mr. Grey may come across as a gold medal contender for Scotland's Monotony Olympics team, but with that salt and pepper hair and those smouldering good looks he should knock the FM dead for raw sex appeal.

Let's hope he remembers to keep his mouth shut and concentrates on flexing those huge pectorals when he takes his shirt off in the debating chamber.

Down at Westminster, Wee Gordon Broon is facing open revolt but has opted to come out fighting. As the Torygraph reports, he's Seeking Barack Obama Aides to Help Beat David Cameron.

A bold step, and one that impresses me, being a fan of aggressive politics. I suggest he lets Obama's aides grab Cameron from behind and give him a few sharp punches in his ribs before Broon steams into the long streak of piss with a stiff kick in the balls. I'm looking forward to the front pages of the tabloids already.

Meanwhile, across the pond, Senator John McCain has been cutting into Senator Obama's lead. This not only guarantees an exciting climax to the election season, but may also mean that a world superpower could soon be led by an undead premier for the first time since the days when Yuri Andropov crept through the corridors of the Kremlin.

Naturally, the outcome is going to pivot on his ability to avoid characteristic McCain gaffes such as self-contradiction, short-temperedness or being caught on camera feasting on the blood of screaming virgins.

Much, of course, depends on his VP choice Sarah Palin. As expected, the press has focused on non-issues such as the revelation that her daughter had sex with that moose in Bristol, or that Mrs. Palin loves nothing more than shooting wild liberals from a small aeroplane.

If the Republican campaign can keep the press focused on Sarah Palin's positives, i.e. her canine ignorance of national and international politics, her cretinous religious beliefs and her nakedly obvious unfitness for office, then John McCain can surely look forward to sitting down in a flame-wreathed crypt beneath the Oval Office in a mere matter of months.

That's all for today, check back for updates.

Monday, September 15, 2008

One Long, Extended Whine Of Self-Pity And Bitter Resentment

Before yesterday's US bank disaster, I didn't own a pot to piss in.

Today, I've awoken to discover that the price of piss-pots has risen.

Shooing the cockroaches away from the smoking debris of my finances and picking through the wreckage it looks like the long and glorious period of 2004-2008, during which I could get by on the income from a single job, is coming to an end. Unless I can find a job that pays substantially better, it's going to be back to putting in a full day at the office then pulling pints and cleaning up sick 'til half past one in the morning.

I'd hoped that having to work two jobs was just something you had to endure in your early twenties, but it seems it's just the way of the modern world... But let us not despair. Let us instead take comfort in the sage words of the Great Leader Of British Blogging, Mr. Guido Fawkes...

"Capitalism is a system of profit and loss. Nobody should be too big to fail. Wall Street will figure out a way of making money again. Capitalism in crisis? Don't count on it, there will be new fortunes made clearing up the mess. Meantime, gold looks due a bounce..."

Thank goodness for that. I, for one, look forward to investing my fat reserves of fuck-all in gold, the better to take advantage of this impending bonanza of riches.

If only Mr. Fawkes had appended one of his trademark tirades on how only the absolute destruction of government and the subsequent coronation of the same free-market wizards who brought us today's bust will result in a shower of golden ponies for all, I wouldn't have these lingering concerns.

Incidentally, would this be a good time to point out that one of my grandfathers was able to raise six children, own a home and a car and take modest holidays on a site engineer's wages?

Or that the other, on the income he earned maintaining and repairing cinema projectors, was able to do the same for a family of three?

Even in the early eighties, my Dad - a car mechanic - was able to support a family on only one pay-packet.

There's surely a lesson to be learned here. I'll be sure to ponder the question long and hard while I'm cleaning huge stacks of fucking ashtrays.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

ZaNu-Labour's Elitist Contempt For The Hard-Working British Coward

(Guest post by Harvey Cashburger, Barking Mentalism Correspondent)

Of the countless treasonous crimes committed by the Socio-fascist psychopaths of ZaNu Labour, there is one act of treachery so infamous, so loathsome and reprehensible, that their usual totalitarian machinations pale in comparison.

I speak, of course, of their wilful refusal to allow the hard-working British coward to acquire a sizeable arsenal of firearms for the defence of his home, hearth and his quivering yellow backside.

The good-hearted Briton is a humble creature, and slow to violence... Yet as the televisual news informs him of the latest scandalous atrocity, he is prone to wistful reveries in which he wedges the barrel of a shotgun into the mouth of some hypothetical yob, bades him kneel and forces the ruffian to acknowledge ones nakedly superior virility.

Even as the nation sinks beneath great tidal waves of villainy and outrage, the elitist, anti-British tyrants of ZaNu Labour offer only cheers of joy, glorying in the knowledge that the decent, ordinary Briton lies utterly prostrate at the feet of the thugs his masters have coddled. Deprived of his most basic liberty - the right to thrust a small pistol into the ear of any footpad who confounds ones sense of vulnerability, inform him that he is but a little bitch and command him to address one as Daddy - it is surely but a matter of time until every man in this nation will be required by law to drop to his knees before snarling packs of feral youngsters and perform the most degrading acts of oral gratification upon them.

Such is the unavoidable future of a nation that places the so-called "human rights" of criminals above the common, craven man's inalienable right to fire ferocious volleys of white-hot lead into burglars, hoodlums and children bent on "retrieving their football" from one's property!

But, comes the quibble of the liberal elitist, If the mere existence of notional criminals reduces you to a whimpering, quaking human wreck who lies awake of a night dreaming of righteous murder, why not learn a martial art ?

Such is the foolishness of the ivory-tower dwelling socialists who have wrecked once-Great Britain!

What, pray, shall these "martial arts" do to assist the elderly, the infirm, or those who are so mortally terrified of imagined violence that they befoul their vestements in dread at the slightest prospect? What of those who simply cannot stomach the least amount of physical exertion, and pine priapically for the instantaneous, grovelling obedience that only a powerful handgun confers? Pish, I say!

ZaNu Labour have bequeathed to this blighted nation an unstoppable blitzkreig of horror and butchery, yet they have not even the decency to grant the right to bear arms to the decent, the ordinary and the utterly spineless.

I shall never forgive them, and I can assure you that should I ever acquire a firearm, I shall hunt down my Parliamentarian and give him the sound pistol-whipping he so thoroughly deserves before throwing him senseless over the bonnet of my Lexus and proving my Alpha-male status by thrusting - (Snip - editor)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

My Heart Just Broke For The Cause

“I imagine had I grown up in Belfast I would have 100 percent joined the IRA... My heart just broke for the cause and I have a lot of respect for the intelligence and the honor that these people carried."

...So said Planet Terror actress Rose McGowan, leading to a predictable outcome.

Sure, it's easy to laugh and wave wanker-hands at Hollywood stars for such ramblings, but should we be so quick to judge? After all, the '70s and '80s were tough times for everyone, especially in industrial heartlands like Belfast.

I mean, what kind of wages are we talking about here? Terrorism's a steady job, and the Provos might've been offering an attractive final salary pension scheme. Would she have been able to break through the glass ceiling to the delegating-atrocities level, or would she have been stuck stirring the fertiliser and knee-capping joyriders forever?

I think it's only fair to pause for reflection before we shower Ms. McGowan with the clammy piss of derision. Me, I think her thoughts on this matter have been motivated by the radicalising power of cinema. I paid good money to see one of her films - Phantoms, I think - and after only twenty minutes I felt like mounting my own dirty protest right there in the theatre.