Friday, October 05, 2007

Saluting The Prime Ministerial Penis

It's a matter of some embarrassment to me that I've failed to mention our new Prime Minister Wee Gordon Broon's first conference speech - truly, a momentous occasion like this requires my full attention.

Via Mr. E, I find that Mick Fealty has put together a word cloud depicting those Wee Gordon used most often - as one might expect, it's not hard to spot the influence of focus groups and electoral strategists.

Basically, American politicians have realised that the public like hearing certain words - in the US, they like hope, values, responsibility, leadership etc. Given the presidential style of wee Gordon's speech, I wouldn't be surprised to find some DLC reptilian like Joe Trippi pulling strings behind the scenes.

Clearly, our first Scottish PM since God knows when feels the need to talk up his Britishness when addressing our country of Britain, and is keen to stress his commitment to public services.

Rather than analyse this intelligently, I thought I might steal a trick from the majestic Matt Taibbi yet again and replace these powerful terms with the word penis, hopefully revealing a deeper truth about the emptiness of modern political rhetoric.

It's not a pretty picture that emerges...

"...Every citizen who answered the call of the penis - policemen and women, our security and emergency penises, our health penises - all left their mark on this island's story by keeping us safe. They are the pride of penises..."

"And there is no weakness in penis today that cannot be overcome by the strengths of the penis people. So don't let anyone tell us penis is not equal to every challenge."

"I am proud to be penis - I believe in penis values..."

"...I am a conviction politician... I stand for a penis where everyone should rise as far as their talents can take them and then the talents of each of us should contribute to the well being of all."

"I stand for a penis where all families who work hard can build a better life for themselves and their children... I stand for a penis where penis penises exist for the patient, the pupil, the people who are to be penised..."

But if I had to choose one part of the speech, it would be the rousing finale, which had the entire hall standing to attention...

"So this is my pledge to the penis people: I will not let you down.

I will stand up for our schools and our hospitals - I will stand up for penis values.

I will stand up for a strong penis.

And I will always stand up for you."

Mr. Brown, for your wonderful conference speech, all of us penis people rise in salute.

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