Sunday, September 02, 2007

Mirror In The Bathroom

Ah, if it's sunny outside, it must mean that another Republican hypocrite has been caught attempting to penetrate a policeman in a public toilet.

Yet again, I'm left aiming the elephant gun at the barrel, urging the fish to at least wriggle a bit - it's got to the stage where these posts just write themselves.

So, rather than mock the unfortunate Senator Larry Craig, I thought I'd try my hand at a bit of amateur criminology.

Now, the obvious reason for the never-ending pride parade of leg-humping bible-thumpers and closet crack-heads is the sanctimonious attitude of the Republican party itself. Just as the priesthood attracts its share of perverts and the police force the odd criminal, so the Republicans attract closet-cases and drug fiends.

But let's treat our pious pals with a little of the charity they have never extended to others - what if this isn't the whole story?

Friends, I'm suspicious that the Americans are recruiting police officers who are just too damn sexy to act as honey traps. It's just not fair.

Consider it - poor, unsuspecting politician steps into the rest room to freshen up, and what does he see? Six foot-odd of rippling, crew-cut, law-enforcing beefcake, studiously avoiding eye contact.

Why, I can imagine that might turn the head of even the most manly legislator. Before they know what's happened, their propositions have led to prosecutions and that career of self-righteous denunciation starts to look suspiciously like projection.

It seems obvious to me that the police are strongly biased against red-blooded males, and should act to redress this imbalance - perhaps a special squad of buck-toothed, mulletted freaks could handle the American toilet beat from now on, thus slashing the arrest rate at a stroke.

Or maybe the cops could be issued cold spoons, and be granted a special "school nurse" power to deliver a stern blow to calm the priapic politico before events get out of hand.

Either that, or anybody elected to a position of power could simply be gelded before taking office.

The obvious thing for the Republicans, of course, would be to stop basing their electoral campaigns upon gay-bashing and moral hysteria, but I would never suggest anything so ludicrously unrealistic.

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