Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Of Asses and Asylum


This stuff about criminal gangs trafficking in Bulgarian babies is really getting us people-smugglers a bad name.

I have to be honest - when I first got into it, I did it for the buzz of helping people. You know how it is, though, pretty soon you get used to the additional income and before you know it you can't live without the extra cash.

The first time was when I was on holiday in Albania - a very pleasant, well-spoken gentleman offered me five hundred quid to smuggle his daughters into the UK. He made their futures sound so miserable that, looking into their puppy-dog eyes, I just couldn't say no.

So, just before I headed back to the airport, I swallowed them both. You've no idea how stressful it is passing through customs with a pair of Albanian teenagers concealed in your stomach.

One flight and one dose of laxatives later, they were ready to begin their new lives in Scotland.

Pretty soon I was making fifteen trips a year, bringing in two or three people at a time - the more connections I made, the more people were keen to make use of my services.

Well, suffice to say, I'm considering getting out of the game - I was pulled over by immigration on the last run while carrying a family of Roma and a Somali goat-herder up my arse. I only got away because a fight broke out in the line behind me, and I made my escape.

So it enrages me to hear these sanctimonious know-nothings describe people-smugglers as criminals.

If any of these hypocrites have ever tried to help some sobbing Russian triplets by wedging them up their backsides then waddling past airport security, I'll eat my hat.

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