All-Change At The Department Of Vengeance
BBC News, 21st August 2011
Dirty Barry Thorpe MP vowed today to exterminate red tape in the revenge process and crack down upon activist nay-sayers.
Addressing a baying, drunken mob, the new Minister for Vengeance promised a more streamlined system which would cut the interval between accusation and execution to a maximum of five minutes.
"The British people are sick of criminals being let off the hook," he said, to the accompaniment of loud cheering. "I pledge to end the practice of hanging criminals from shoddy, rusty hooks, and can announce the purchase of ten thousand of the biggest, pointiest, most robust hooks money can buy."
Mr. Thorpe takes up his position after his predecessor, "Mad" Jimmy Cleaver, was dragged from his ministerial car and dismembered following the publication of a story alledging that Mr. Cleaver "Looked like a Paedo".
Asked whether he would do anything to address the spate of recent garrottings of people later revealed to be innocent, Mr. Thorpe sprang from his chair and began pounding the offending journalist's head on the floor.
"I. Don't. Care. About. That!" he shouted, forcefully punctuating each word before dropping the unfortunate hack's lifeless body and straightening his tie.
"Britain has had enough of failures in the system - nobody wants to return to the bad old days, when we accepted the rule of law through a codified system of checks and balances."
"We all remember how that turned out, don't we? All over the place, criminals getting away with it."
The Minister then extolled the many successes of Vigilantism since its introduction in 2009, announcing the summary execution of 119,625 criminals in the last year, a fourteen percent increase.
"Innocent people, by and large, don't have anything to fear from the Ministry of Vengeance," he said. "9 times out of 10, the correct culprit is identified and dispatched."
"The moment they decided to break the law, all of those fuckers lost their so-called 'right' not to be repeatedly stabbed in the throat with a broken bottle."
Mr. Thorpe's appointment comes at a time when the government has a 97% approval rating on vengeance-issues, and supporters were vociferous in their agreement.
"I've hung my share of scumbags," said Bill Roper, 68. "Anyway, we wouldn't have any of these problems if foreigners didn't exist."