Shock and consternation ripple through the tartan-trouserati as veteran golfer Gary Player reveals his insider knowledge...
"I know for a fact that some golfers are doing it... I would say there are 10 guys taking something. I might be way out. It's definitely not going to be lower, it might be a hell of a lot more."
Player, 71, says two players have told him personally they are taking drugs."
I'm inclined to take Mr. Player at his word - I've enjoyed his fine cigarettes for many years, and if you can't trust the honesty of a tobacconist, whose can you?
As for the allegations that leading golfers are on drugs, I'm not surprised in the slightest. I'd need to spend at least four hours smoking crack before I could sit through a single round on TV, let alone play the infernal game.
I'd certainly tune in if they made drug use compulsory, though. I can't imagine anything more entertaining than watching an unsteady Tiger Woods take fourteen swipes at every shot while a giggling Phil Mickelson tries and fails to place the ball on the tee.
And it's a terrible shame that Seve Ballesteros has retired, since I'd definitely cheer him on as he beat his caddy in a berserk, foul-mouthed bout of 'roid rage.
This could enliven all manner of sports -the FIA could ply Formula One drivers with opium before they line up on the grid, then we'd watch them pooter about the track at four miles an hour, gently bumping into each others' cars.
Or they could spike rugby players' isotonic drinks with ecstasy, and we could watch them run about hugging each other, waving their hands in front of their faces and staring agog at the amazing visuals on the advertising hoardings.
The evidence is right before us, even now... Witness how the decision to force Tour de France riders to stop taking drugs has already led to hilarious results, with cold turkey driving one rider to attempt suicide by throwing himself under an oncoming golden retriever.
So come on, stuffy sporting authorities - this is clearly the wave of the future.
If you don't do it, professional wrestling will.