Sunday, June 03, 2007

Boycott Boredom, Trounce Tedium

The time has come for radical action - I am now issuing a call for a complete boycott on discussion of the Israel/Palestinian conflict.

I watched the Finkelstein/Aaronovitch debate on the topic today, and I didn't laugh once. In fact, I've never read a single decent joke about it, and any issue that can yield millions of words a day without producing any giggles is an issue I want no part of.

Take Charles Moore in today's Telegraph, for instance - What if Israel had abducted BBC man?, he asks.

"Loud would have been the denunciations of the extremist doctrines of Zionism which had given rise to this vile act. The world isolation of Israel, if it failed to get Mr Johnston freed, would have been complete."

While this is undoubtedly true, he's failed to address a more pressing question.

What if the Israelis came to Britain on holiday, got hammered on apple schnapps and proceeded to rampage through our town centres whacking the citizenry with giant rubber dongs?

How terrible the villification of these cock-wielding thugs would be!

But then, what if the Palestinians broke into the Telegraph's offices and sat on Charles Moore's desk squirting him with water pistols full of piss while he was trying to work?

Who would speak for the persecution of poor Moore at the hands of mischievous "militants"? Would the BBC summon the courage to denounce those piss-happy Palestinians?

I think not.

See? Not a single chuckle in the entire article, just another tedious round of Pin The Partisanship On The Public Service Broadcaster. I refuse to revisit this issue until both sides start fighting with custard pies and splat guns, and I hope you'll all join me in this trench.

The Middle East doesn't need windbags blatting on about biased media coverage - it needs a massive airlift of whoopee cushions, banana skins and slapsticks.

No leader should speak in public without the accompaniment of duck-whistles and a man with a little drumkit to ba-doom tish any witty one-liners or pratfalls.

Itching powder for Israel, plastic dog poo for Palestine - it may not bring peace, but at least it'll make for some entertaining headlines.

No comments: