Thursday, May 24, 2007

Attack Of The 50 Foot President

As an ardent Yankophile, one of the most entertaining things about watching our cousins across the pond is the polite lies that stateside media indulge in.

You almost wouldn't notice it at first, unless there was a major international crisis underway such as, say, the imminent invasion and occupation of an oil-rich middle eastern dictatorship.

At such times, certain aspects of American media can seem rather odd - their habit of unquestioningly publishing government "intelligence" without any analysis, for instance, or their tendency to give the views of super-wealthy cretins like Tom Friedman prominence.

This is partly because the Americans' most endearing feature is their eternal optimism and can-do attitude, but it's mainly due to the fact that the average American journalist would rather have red-hot pokers pushed into each of his earholes simultaneously until they met sizzling in the centre of his skull than put his career at risk in the name of truth.

For all that countless bloggers have made their names by attacking US media for its liberal bias, journalists in America owe their allegiance to only one party - Hiz'b Shekel, whoever is holding the purse-strings.

These polite fictions continue to this day, of course. My favourite is the story of how President Bush is a politician with convictions - a man who fearlessly sticks to the course of action he feels is correct regardless of the damage it may cause him.

This is complete nonsense, of course - Bush is no more a conviction politician than he is a seven-legged donkey with a degree in the liberal arts.

The truth is that Bush would fuck a frozen chicken 'til he was frostbitten if he thought it'd give him a four-point bounce in his approval rating. He'd do it live on national television while saluting and singing In The Navy falsetto, and tip the audience a cheeky wink halfway through.

Today's polite fiction - and this is a humdinger - is that the US Army's recent "surge" in Baghdad will continue until September, at which point its successes and failures will be debated and the appropriate lessons drawn.

The reality is that American soldiers will continue to blunder about blind in a hostile urban jungle, thoroughly pissing off the locals while trying to avoid being picked off by an enemy they can't see. Come September, the operation will get the rubber stamp to continue whichever way the chips fall.

This is problematic for the President, who will likely find that all he has to show for the surge is a pile of dead American soldiers and a country full of furious Arabs.

Naturally, I have a better plan, one that would achieve the same ends whilst minimising American fatalities.

Godzilla.

Now, I know this sounds a bit off the wall, but I think it's a viable option.

Think about it - drop Godzilla outside Sadr City, point him in the right direction and stand well back. Within two days he'd have smashed the place to pieces, toppling minarets and noisily pissing uranium all over the streets. For added effect, you could replace his lizard-shriek with a tape recording of the President shouting We're making good progress in Iraq! into a bucket.

Net result: some dead insurgents and militia men, a lot of dead civilians and damaged infrastructure, but - and this is critical - not a single coffin shipped back across the Atlantic.

In short, all the achievements of a troop surge without any of the drawbacks. Score!

But, I hear you say, Surely Godzilla is nothing more than a risible fantasy created to entertain credulous audiences. He is, essentially, an amusing distraction from reality.

Well, if that's your view, I suggest you keep away from CNN or the Washington Post over the summer, because they're going to make Godzilla, Mothra and King Gidorah: Giant All Out Monsters Attack! look like The World At War.

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