Sunday, April 01, 2007

Democracy, or, The People Know What They Want And Deserve To Get It Good And Hard

Our old pal at the Devil's Kitchen latches on to a popular undercurrent in political debate and asks "Has Democracy failed?"

"Sort of," seems to be the consensus amongst bloggers, but all agree that something is badly awry, and the hunt for responsible miscreants commences.

In seeking an explanation for our miserable voter apathy, the old Devil finds one perpetrator sitting in the corner looking more guilty than a puppy sitting next to a puddle of piss - the Welfare State.

It's a possible explanation for the degraded state of political discourse in the UK, but with all due respect to him, I suspect that the Devil could easily find the liver-spotted hand of socialism responsible for noisy kids in the cinema, harsh winters and erectile dysfunction.

Mind you, it could be worse - A Very British Dude suggests that the only solution is to deny the vote to Civil Servants, since they're state employees and will vote in their own interests.

"In short, those who pay the piper should call the tune. Those in the pay of the state should have no say in how it is run."

I'll assume that VBD is joking, but I can see where he's coming from. I was a Civil Servant for years, and we used to love election times - the Ministers would jet up from Westminster to share their personal drug stashes and offer each of us our own weight in oral sex.

Personally, I was offended by John Prescott's parsimony with his cocaine, and duly cast my vote for the Liberal Democrats. You'd need a ski-lift to get to the top of the lines Menzies Campbell chops out.

We're all aware of the villainy of Civil Servants, of course. Since "Yes, Minister" thoroughly debunked the notion that anyone could work in the public sector for anything other than avarice and personal gain, it's common knowledge that they spend their days playing ping-pong and dialling phonesex.

I saw the light after reading right-wing blogs, and decided to take a career move sideways into gay porn. I may spend my days being bummed ragged by huge hairy men, degrading myself from every possible angle, but at least I can look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day.

Every time the director shouts "Action!" and I bend over to grab my ankles, I feel an immense swell of pride and dignity*, knowing that I'm not taking the sweat from the brow of Britain's hard-working small businessman.

So I think there's a lot of merit in denying the vote to Civil Servants. Speaking as someone who worked in the court system, punching rivets into the production line of tower block-dwelling illiterates on their eternal procession to HMP Saughton, I'd have gladly ceded my vote to a cab driver, a shopkeeper or an IT consultant.

After all, there's nothing I could possibly learn in five years working in the criminal justice system that the average member of the public couldn't work out with the application of good old British common sense.

I'd just have voted for the MP most highly-skilled in the art of fellatio anyway.

*Insert your own gag here.

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