I'm a man of many vices, and I have little time for moralists objecting to my depravity.
"Is that your sixth pint?" asked a troublesome co-worker, whilst in the pub recently. "Jesus, why do you have to drink so much?"
To which I was forced to respond, well, drugs are expensive and difficult to come by. Also, I don't have to drink - I can stop whenever I like.
Which is a fine way of bringing up yesterday's announcement that the War on Drugs has developed not necessarily to our advantage...
"About one in five people arrested is a heroin addict...
There has been a 111% rise in the number of people jailed for all drug-related offences between 1994 and 2005.
However, street prices have dropped - with heroin falling from £70 a gram in 2000 to £54 in 2005."
The politicians and the people have been jerking each others' law enforcement fantasies over drug laws for as long as I can remember.
"Drugs can lead to addiction, psychosis and death," our teachers intoned at us in sonorous tones of mighty gravitas, totally bumming our highs.
"Yeah, right on daddy-o," we used to say. "You got a twenty I could borrow?."
And still, we find that most of our serious crime is being committed by a small core of serious addicts.
Since we've tried the draconian approach, the very draconian approach and the very, very draconian approach to drugs, I thought I might offer some suggestions that might actually work...
Legalise Drugs For The Employed - Anyone who has a job can take whatever they like, provided they show up at work in a fit state. I can't think of any other incentive to get our unemployable underclass motivated towards gainful employment.
Compulsory Scientology - State-sponsored religion.
Christian Advertising Campaigns - Stress that 70% of people in the Lake of Fire are there on drugs charges.
Sharia Law - Behead some sense into those kids.
Coked-Up Stock-Brokers To Lecture Kids On How Drugs Boost Dividends And Help You Close Kick-Ass Deals - Terrify the little beggars with cautionary tales.
Stoned Teachers Bring Guitars To Class, Sing-a-Longs To "Give Peace A Chance"
Branding With Hot Irons
Ozzy Osbourne To Drive School Bus - Rendition of "Ironman" compulsory.
And those are just the ones I thought sounded sensible, so you can imagine how baked I am right now.