Monday, March 05, 2007

Sanctimonious Non-Smokers - Save Breath By Shutting The Fuck Up

It may be difficult to believe, but I don't actively seek out sanctimonious non-smokers to be offended by.

They just seem to gravitate towards me, radiant with satisfaction at the momentous news they're about to impart, booming "Those are bad for you!" in tones of great authority.

If I walked into Burger King, marched up to the most extravagantly obese heifer in the place and hollered "Ho, fatass, don't you think you've had enough?", would I expect thanks? Would I imagine that the half-cooked lump of cow's arse would drop from the woman's hands as she leapt up crying "Hallelujah, the truth shall set us free!".

No, I'd expect to be beaten to the floor and sat upon until my head burst messily across the floor. I imagine that the last sight I'd see would be Johnny No-Stars mopping up my exploded brains.

So, I'm buying a pack of cigarettes this morning, and all of a sudden a woman in the queue pipes up, "Do you stand about outside smoking those?"

Being British, it took me some time to absorb the fact that a total stranger was addressing me unsolicited, but once I'd regained my composure I replied "There's not really anywhere else I can smoke them, is there?"

"Well," she said, "If you're only buying ten, why not just give up?"

As you can imagine, it's not often that I'm speechless. I just laughed and took my change, when I should really have punched her in the tit and pissed in her handbag.

Is this really what it's come to?

This is how it starts, you know. One minute they're castigating your lifestyle choices, and before you know it they're burning your shop down and revoking your citizenship.


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