Wednesday, February 28, 2007

When There's No More Room In Remedial Class, The Morons Shall Walk The Earth

"Doubt your let this message through your "censorship" but know this BBC you have been exposed well & truely 911 WAS AN INSIDE JOB TELL THE TRUTH!"

That 9/11 conspiracy is an ever expanding web of deceit and lies - now the BBC have found themselves under semi-literate assault following their debunking of the major theories.

Apparently, they reported that one of the smaller buildings at the site had collapsed, some time before it actually did, raising suspicions that the Beeb may have been involved in this many-tentacled plot.

"To report that a building had collapsed before it had done so would be an odd sort of error, wouldn't it ? A bit like reporting that the Lord Mayor's trousers had fallen down before they did so."

Ah, Kant's famous Lord Mayor's Pantaloons argument! And to think, I thought the internet was infested with hooting cretins.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - the advent of online news and opinion is going to result in a world where facts become mere footballs to be punted around by fools for the benefit of frauds. In fact, I think we're already there.

There's only one question about 9/11 that remains unresolved - if the attacks happened first thing in the morning, how come I didn't hear about them until mid-afternoon?

Isn't this supposed to be the information age? Either I'm a complete idiot, or something fishy is going on here...

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

The Dangers Of Mass Debating

Blogger and commenters prepare to educate a debater upon his errors

Over the years I've been involved in more ill-tempered online debates than I care to mention.

In fact, I mischaracterise - they were less "debates" than stroppy, toy-flinging tantrums. Such forceful disagreements could only take place in the confines of cyberspace, since any attempt to replicate them down at the pub would swiftly end in accident and emergency.

I'm just as guilty as anyone of acting the keyboard hero, although in my defence I'd note that my most witless moments have come at three in the morning after a long night on the sauce.

Still, I think I've got the hang of this debating lark, to the point where I'm able to decode some common phrases. After using them so many times myself, it'd be difficult not to...

Hey, everybody has a right to an opinion...

Please refrain from pointing out the logical and moral fallacies in my arguments.

(x) may be accepted fact amongst you right/left-wingers, but that just shows that you're so indifferent to the facts that there's no point in debating.

(x) is demonstrably true, but I'd rather lay my testicles on the table and spank them with a mallet than admit it to you, dickwad.

Everybody knows (x).

Idiots believe (x).

I don't have enough time to explain to you how wrong you are.

I'm watching porn in a minimised window and I can barely type left-handed.

I think you'll find that Professor Delroy P. Wankybollocks has conclusively disproved your argument...(Link)

I am too lazy to paraphrase Professor Delroy P. Wankybollocks like everybody else.

After all, wasn't Hitler a socialist?

It's all downhill from here, pal.

Stick to the topic.

What are you talking about? I'm scared.

You're trying to crush debate by flinging meaningless accusations.

What do you mean, "Racist?"

That's what they all say.

"They" being everyone I discuss politics with.

Why, you're nothing but a shallow apologist for fascism/imperialism.

I worship Satan.

That statement makes you objectively pro-fascist.

I am Satan.

Any I missed?

Blogger and commenters prepare to educate a debater upon his errors

Some Subjects Are Off Limits

According to figures obtained by the BBC, 1.7 million Brits will suffer from dementia by 2051.

I note this purely to reassure readers that there are some topics at which I will not poke fun. Even I have some standards.

Some Lines I Will Not Cross

The BBC are reporting today that, by 2051, 1.7 million Britons will suffer from dementia.

There are many ways in which I could attempt to spin this for comedic effect, but I think certain subjects are too serious to be used as a cheap prop for a piss-poor gag.

Yet More EU Hypocrisy

So the MEPs at the European Parliament are discussing intellectual property laws which could see action being taken to stop viewing of pirate movies continent-wide.

What a bunch of Euro-bastards, enforcing their undemocratic, petty laws to stop decent British citizens exercising their rights to watch pirates whenever they like. I haven't even seen Dead Man's Chest yet, and At World's End isn't out until the summer.

Yet again, it's political correctness gone mad.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Stolen Gag # 11,261

Following on from last week's 9/11 show, this week's Conspiracy Files on BBC 2 will deal with the lonely suicide of British weapons expert, Dr. David Kelly.

Apparently, some people contend that Dr. Kelly was in fact murdered, presumably to prevent him sabotaging Britain's plans to participate in the invasion of Iraq.

Britain already had an inquest into this incident, however, and Lord Hutton pronounced that he was "satisfied" that Dr. Kelly had taken his own life.

Actually, now that I come to think of it, I don't think Lord Hutton needed to be so smug about it. Surely gloating is undignified for such an elevated personage.

P.S. On an unrelated note, kudos to anyone who finds a more amusing headline this weekend than "Balls Used To Plug Java Mudflow".

Now that, friends, is what I call manliness.

Saturday, February 24, 2007

I Am A Genius And Should Be Made President For Life, If Not Even Longer

As the world continues to chew its collective fingernails to the quick in anticipation of a possible showdown over Iran's nuclear programme, Vice President Cheney is telling the media that "all options are on the table".

Critics have pointed out that the United States is struggling with a record budget deficit, and that an attack on Iran could push the price of oil over $100 a barrel with disastrous consequences for the American economy.

It occurs to me that, since President Bush and Dick the Veep are the only people who know whether an attack on Iran is imminent, they should get themselves down to the bookies and slap two hundred billion dollars on America to invade Iran this year.

Even at odds of 2-1, they stand to rake it in, and the war may even turn a modest profit. Everyone would be happy, except for the soldiers doing the fighting and the entire population of the middle east.

Mind you, they'd better not get cocky and put any cash on the US to win the war, since by my estimation the odds of victory are about fifty-fifty.

Discretion is the better part of valour, after all.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Just How Fascist Are Those Europeans?

I whiled away my lunch hour today reading an interesting article by noted American thinker Andrei S. Markovits, "Western Europe's America Problem", and an enlightening read it was too.

Prof. Markovits' thesis is simple - Europe's blind hatred of all things American is closely related to its endemic anti-Semitism. Not only that, but the situation is now so serious that "Anti-Americanism has been promoted to the status of Western Europe's lingua franca."

Ordinarily I wouldn't bother with rebuttal, but this view seems to be very common amongst bloggers.

The good Professor uses many examples for evidence, including his childhood days at a Viennese school, economics, crime and punishment and, interestingly, football/soccer...

"When the United States was chosen as host of the World Cup for the summer of 1994, many of the European news and entertainment media were appalled... Europeans loudly voiced the usual objections to American crassness, vulgarity, commercialism, and ignorance.

They argued that giving the tournament to the Americans was tantamount to degrading the game and its tradition. Awarding Americans the World Cup was like holding a world championship in skiing in a country in the Sahara or playing a major golf tournament in Greenland..."

I had no idea we had caused such offence. Sorry about that.

For the most part, Professor Markovitz complains that Europeans are snooty and superior in their attitude to their trans-Atlantic cousins, a charge that is no doubt true. After all, we're like that with everybody else, especially each other.

Still, I thought I'd test out his thesis that hatred of America and hatred of Jews have become synonymous. I've researched this thoroughly, sifting through great mountains of evidence, tracing the roots of European hatreds, snobberies and hang-ups - the result is my Family Tree of Euro-Prejudice, below.

As you can see, I've begun with Europe's most obvious characteristic i.e., fascism, and split it into sub-categories.

It seems to me from close analysis that European hatred of Americans and Jews aren't closely related - my research indicates that anti-Americanism is more the bastard offspring of our paternal supremacism and matronly Islamofascism, whereas our anti-Semitism is definitely born of our revisionism, second-cousin to our neo-nazi tendencies and the grandchild of our nativism on the distaff side.

Having clearly disproven the Professor's central thesis, I've attempted to quantify the severity of Europe's anti-Americanism. The results are presented in the graph below...

Even I was shocked by my findings, although the chart clearly shows that America hatred remains a relatively minor problem in Europe, clocking in below 500 Hitlers on the Reichometer.

On the other hand, our Islamophobia has reached an amazing 2000 Hitlers, and our anti-Semitism weighs in at an astonishing 2500 Hitlers - almost two and a half MegaFuhrers.

So remain calm, my American friends - whatever tenured academics might say, we still love you more than we love each other.

To Burger King, my buddies, and don't spare the gasoline!

Thursday, February 22, 2007

Money For Old Rope...

(Apologies, but I've just got back to the flat and I'm about to go to bed. Since I'm feeling guilty for neglecting you all, here's a couple of posts from the archives...)

Textspeak - The Nail In The Coffin Of The English Language

I'm not a fan of textspeak, whether it's the mobile phone version or the supremely lazy internet "RAOTFLMAO" variety.

I understand that the English language evolves to suit the needs of those who use it, but I cannot for the life of me understand all those "r u gonna"s, ";)"s and "LOL"s.

Speaking of which, I have it on very good authority that, thirty years from now, humans will show amusement purely by saying "LOL" in a flat monotone while their faces remain completely slack and devoid of mirth.

Stand-up comics will become entirely more physical as they will spend much of their gigs miming shocked faces using O's and colons, drawing "smileys" in the air while the audience drone "LOL, LOL, LOL" at the stage.

I'm also told it will be almost impossible to communicate in words that do not involve "2"s or "u"s, which I blame entirely on Sinead O'Connor.

Nonetheless, I've just received this text from an old friend in London, to whom I have not spoken in many a long year. Sadly, I can't decipher the text-code it's written in, so I must appeal for your assistance...

"Cnt tk n e mr, ths c t s doin my hed in. at wts end, kilin myslf only way out :( gdby crl wrld."

I'm assuming he's having a ball, since he never seems to find time to call these days.

Update!: In another exciting development, I read in the comments section of an entirely funnier blog than this one that, by the year 2030, all human beings will be known by their first initial followed by the word "Dogg".

Gospel, since you heard if from the F-Dogg.

...And More Old Rope

It seems that President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela has been encouraging the people to open their minds to the wonder of literature again, following his gift of millions of free copies of Cervantes' Don Quixote to the citizenry.

This time he's recommending Noam Chomsky's Hegemonia o Sobrevivencia.

Frankly, I have to disagree with my hermano Chavez. I bought it yesterday and I thought that the characters were two-dimensional, the dialogue stilted and the sex scenes rather forced.

I prefer books with more huge explosions and cool special effects. Plus, it was all written in fucking Spanish, and my diccionario Espanol de Oxford hangs in tatters. 3/10.

Chavez, saviour of the poor? That's £8.99 I won't see again in a hurry, I can tell you.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Senator Undertaker - "Rumsfeld Is Going Down!" as One Of History's Worst Defence Secretaries
BBC News, 20th February 2007

A front runner for the 2008 Republican presidential nomination said last night that ex-Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld was "Going Down" during the annual WWE RAW! Championships.

In what appears to be a bid to restate his independence, Senator Undertaker launched a devastating atomic piledriver upon the retired 73 year-old Rumsfeld, and accused the former Pentagon official of mismanaging America's war on terror and possessing "weakass wrestling skills."

"You hear me, Rummy?" The Undertaker shouted, "You're going to the mat, bitch!". Senator Undertaker then allegedly attempted to "Tombstone" Rumsfeld, who rallied briefly with the aid of a fold-up chair.

The Arizona Senator further vowed to break Rumsfeld "Old-School style", before winning the Congressional Smackdown Medal by a fall and two submissions.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Reality Vs The Internet

Would you believe it, I missed my weekly infusion of raw, paranoid sadism in 24 last night to watch the show about the 9/11 conspiracy theories.

I've never been so disappointed - I was hoping for poorly sourced, irresponsible allegations involving the CIA, the Ayatollahs, OJ Simpson and the twelve industrialists that really run the world. The show was actually a well-constructed, categorical debunking of some of the nuttier theories.

Not that I ever believed that there was any truth in the allegations themselves - there's no way that the Bush administration could've been behind the attacks. After all, the hijackers were successful.

The most interesting revelation in the show was the lengths that people will go to in order to maintain their precious illusions - the worst of them would rather saw off their own heads with a nailfile than admit that their theories might be inaccurate. And believe me, these theories are wild-eyed, mind-bending, gibbering lunacy.

The trouble is, if our leaders won't be straight with us, it merely provides these guys with fodder for their fantasies.

For instance, not long after the attacks, I'm sure I remember Tony Blair vowing never to allow another September 11th after 2001.

Well, I've counted five so far, and there's another one pencilled in for later in the year, so what does that tell us about the Prime Minister?



Reading the Marx-loving political boffins at Spiked Online today, I stumbled across an article about a rumpus that has arisen at Merton College, Oxford.

Apparently, some students have been reprimanded for using the word "Gay" in a pejorative fashion, to mean "Crap" or "Rubbish".

There's no need to read the article, but it should be noted that when I was a youngster, "Gay" was a perfectly charming word meaning "Homosexual" or "Camp".

It's terrible that kids are twisting beloved words out of their original form. Don't they realise the damage they're doing 2 the English language?

P.S. It's just occurred to me that they can all bugger off.

This Is A Stick-Up

Is Britain the toughest country on Earth?

Having recently declared the UK a nation of quivering saps, I may have to reassess my opinion in light of the news that "Thieves may be specifically targetting Staffordshire Bull Terriers".

Would you read a headline like that in France or Italy? "Leesten, Fido, just hand over ze bone and ze squeaky toy, and nobody gets hurt!"

I imagine the continentals might occasionally mug a Maltese, defraud a dachshund or burgle a beagle, but only here would thieves deliberately target an animal that's essentially a set of mobile jaws.

There may be hope for us yet.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Back Tomorrow

Not much time for posts at the moment, but I've got time enough to notice a few things around the web...

"If you still doubt me, think back to the arguments you heard at every liberal dinner party you’ve been to in the past four years and ask yourself if concern for Iraqi democrats ever featured in the conversation.

Done it? I’m right, aren’t I?"

Now, I've frequently expressed concern for Iraqi people, but now I see the error of my ways. Why wasn't I worrying about Iraqi democrats?

All this time, I've been enabling fascists without realising it. I'll be sure to point it out to everyone next time I throw a liberal dinner party.

I just assumed Nick was an arse after he castigated us all for failing to support Israel last year. I assume that they're doing quite well enough in the face of my blind indifference, since they're sitting fifth in their group with a game in hand.

Still, they're playing England soon enough, so there's a good excuse.

And finally, I must remind you all that tomorrow is Chinese New Year. I suggest you all make a mental note, because I've only just got used to signing cheques "Year of the Dog".

Thursday, February 15, 2007

British Stupidity Epidemic Claims Another Victim

God knows why, but I'm watching Question Time on the BBC and a rather attractive young lady has opined thusly:

"People aren't scared of the police, this country is a pushover, you can get away with practically anything!"

I don't know where she lives, but the police in Scotland are a bunch of violent fascists. I was standing outside the local primary school just last week when a patrol car pulled up and two coppers wrestled me to the floor and handcuffed me.

And would you believe it, they accused me of selling crack to children! Selling!

Good God, at those prices I was practically giving it away.

Nonetheless, the young lady on Question Time is speaking for millions of Britons* who seem to believe that the nation has descended into sub-Mad Max ultraviolence, and that liberal PC-do-gooders are solely responsible.

Can I be the first to ask, ou sont les neds d'antan?

Where are the teddy boys, punks, razor gangs, ice-cream warriors, mods, rockers, football casuals, blackshirts, paramilitaries, rioters, yardies, bovver boys and every other violent subculture that has terrified the country in the past hundred years?

Which woolly liberals were running the country when Glasgow's hospitals were treating dozens of stab victims every Saturday night? When London's East End was rank with gangsterism, which faint-hearted sap coddled the Krays?

Considering this, I've come to a realisation. It's not the government that's soft, and it's not the justice system that's stained with the ugly yellow streak of cowardice.

It's the citizenry.

Terrified by tabloid tales of roving bands of feral children, held housebound with horror as you watch the last dregs of British decency gurgle down the plug-hole?

Well, boo-fucking-hoo kids, that's life - sometimes ugly, dirty, coarse and dangerous, but vibrant, exciting and alive. If you tremble in dread every time a gang of kids walk past, you're not a clear-eyed realist, but a pant-pissing jessie.

I don't know about anyone else, but if the police state of enforced politeness these quaking wimps envision ever came to pass, I'd emigrate in a second.

Can you imagine? It'd make Nurse Ratched's ward in One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest look like a Slipknot gig.

Can anyone pinpoint the exact moment when Britain tired of stiff-upper-lips and decided to bolt the doors, quivering in dread in front of the TV?

*Most of whom appear to be bloggers, succesfully giving the impression that idiocy and bloggery are the peaches and cream of the internet.

Round-Up - News From The Sandpit

Flow Of Foreign Weaponry Into Iraq "Must Be Stopped"

BBC News, 15th February 2007

Speaking before a crowd of appreciative British soldiers, Prime Minister Tony Blair today said that the flow of weapons and components into Iraq by foreign powers must cease.

"Britain will not tolerate these deadly attacks upon its soldiers," he said. "Foreign powers will not be permitted to send A-10 "tankbusters", attack helicopters and warplanes to attack our troops."

Soldiers loudly applauded the Prime Minister's statement, showing their appreciation by gluing his forehead to a tank and kicking him up the arse until his ears bled...

UK Troops Help Close Borders In Basra
Staff, Customers Perplexed
BBC News, 15th February 2007

U.S. Military Implements New Iraq Plan

But Can "Operation Bigger Shovel" Succeed?

BBC News, 15th February 2007

New Study Finds Majority Of Iraqis "Want Coalition To Leave"

Incidence Of Yawning, Looking At Watch Up 52% - Baghdadis "Have To Be Up Early For Work"

"Goodness, Is That The Time?" - Iraqi Prime Minister Al-Maliki

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Pre-Emptive Politics

As we streak inexorably towards both the Scottish Parliament elections and the three-hundredth anniversary of the Act of Union between the Parliaments of England and Scotland, the prospect of a Scottish National Party victory will animate much debate.

In the midst of such explosions of patriotic fervour it seems to me that we're missing a critical point - in order for Scotland to become independent, the question would have to be put to a national referendum.

Well, I didn't buy a dog so I could sit in the garden barking. If these lazy good-for-nothings can't be bothered working for their salaries, they should ask themselves why they got into politics in the first place.

Sort it out, MSPs.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Community Policing

Truly, the great thing about Britain is how we always learn from our mistakes.

After the accidental shooting eight times of Jean-Charles De Menezes in 2005, the Metropolitan Police accepted that it needed to urgently revise its anti-terror strategies, and did so.

Today's announcement by the Independent Police Complaints Commission noted that the Metropolitan Police made several errors during an operation in Forest Gate last year. Errors included accidentally arresting eleven innocent people, accidentally shooting an innocent man through the shoulder and accidentally smearing one of the victims as a closet paedophile.

Well, accidents happen, and the Met have been big enough to admit their mistakes. I have my contacts, and I'm glad to say that I've managed to procure a copy of the coppers' revised guidelines for anti-terror operations...

Monday, February 12, 2007

Terrorists Strike - Terror-Bosses "Refuse To Cave In To Demands"

Foreigners and such may have missed the news that some British companies and the Driver and Vehicle Licensing Authority have recently been targetted by a serial letter bomber.

This has led to speculation that the bombs are the work of a disgruntled anti-speed camera activist who has grown bored of chopping down and smashing the treacherous, electronic stool-pigeons.

Whoever is committing these outrages, I must urge him or her to stop immediately, lest the government decides to cravenly submit to terrorism.

Imagine if Labour ploughed money into hiring more traffic police. Why, just last week I was flashed by a speed camera whilst driving a stolen car, at least three times over the drink-driving limit and I don't even have a licence.

Thankfully, the government's money-making scams have spared me some months in prison. I think speed cameras are a brilliant idea - jolly good work, local councils.

Letter bombs, on the other hand, are rubbish. I work in an office and I'm more afraid of nasty paper cuts and sexual harrassment.

I've certainly never been sexually harrassed by a letter bomb, I can tell you.

Never Judge A Book By Its Cover

As you may know, I visited Northern Ireland for the first time last December. I thought it was an exciting and welcoming place, and although I really only saw parts of Belfast and the surrounding area, I felt like I got a feel for the city.

I was amazed by how friendly a town it was, and it seemed that almost all of the people I spoke to tried to make me feel welcome. I was particularly impressed by the services for people waiting at bus stops - for just fifty pence and a cigarette, a man will entertain you with earthy tales and salty curse words.

Well, that was until yesterday, when I sat down to watch Ireland take on the French in the football. Not only was it by far the most violent game I've ever seen, they also showed no respect for sportsmanship whatsoever, committing handballs and illegal challenges left, right and centre.

Not even that prepared me for last night's travel documentary on quality broadcaster Bravo, "Britain's Toughest Towns" - suffice to say that my idea of an enjoyable night out involves a bit more whisky, romance and music, and significantly less knee-capping or beatings with baseball bats.

I'm just glad I didn't accept the offer to go out for a drink when I was there - I'm always up for a bit of a laugh and a joke over a drink, but this business with the hammers is too much even for me.

Northern Ireland - It's all fun until somebody loses a kneecap

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Gotcha Politics

Regular readers will be aware that I'm vehemently opposed to smears upon political figures. If critics wish to attack their ideological foes, they should attempt to defeat their arguments, not peddle innuendo to impugn their personal morality.

Play the ball, as they say, and not the man.

In this spirit, I'm glad to see that David Cameron, the leader of the British Conservative party, is refusing to apologise for his crack habit.

Truly, things have come to a pretty pass when the leader of Her Majesty's opposition can't smoke a few leisurely bowls of an evening without being hounded by a pack of baying media hounds.

Former leader William Hague is to be commended for his broadmindedness, announcing today that he is "enormously impressed with him and this makes no difference to my view of him". Even New Labour's slap-headed pitbull John Reid agrees.

David Cameron, like all Britons, is entitled to a private life, and if he chooses to relax by honking on the odd dime-rock or two, then that is his business and his alone.

Provided he refrains from pimping out Mrs. Cameron to Conservative party donors in exchange for a few measly glass dicks, that is.

Seperated at birth?

Saturday, February 10, 2007

Please Fasten Your Seatbelts

An opinion piece in the Torygraph pushes Pigdogfucker to further curse words this week - apparently, it's now illegal to insult airhostesses, and one can be arrested on the say-so of a grumpy trolley dolly.

PDF feels that this is an over-reaction to a non-existent threat...

"The suggestion that this is in any way essential in order to maintain air safety is obviously bollocks. Post-September 11, there should be no way for any member of the public to access the cockpit. The doors are designed so that the cabin’s pressurisation holds them shut and would require 25 tons of force to open. Unless you’ve smuggled a high-calibre gun on board, your chances of endangering the aircraft are zero..."

If that's PDF's position, then I'll have to politely invite him to PDF off on holiday - as anyone who's visited the UK can tell you, British air travellers are one mini-bar shortage away from reverting to cannibalism.

Behind the polite veneer of civility projected by most Brits lurks a roiling vortex of pure, white-hot rage and hatred. A quick click about the internet is enough to confirm that - just give the average Briton a forum in which to express his opinions with impunity and within five seconds they're demanding heads on sticks.

In the pressurised confines of a commercial airline, a shortage of Chardonnay could lead to the airport cops opening the doors to find the biggest and strongest of the passengers gnawing on a femur.

If you disagree, I suggest an expiriment - when the hostess asks all passengers to turn off their iPods for landing, wave yours aloft and shriek "That's it, I've had all I can stand, I'm bringing this fucker down!"

P.S. That said, it's not all mindless thuggery, although more senseless violence on flights to and from Glasgow airport would cheer me up no end.

Check this out - when the pilot lands the plane, the Glaswegian passengers are so impressed by this miraculous feat of technological wizardry that they applaud.

Not to rant about nothing, but would they applaud a bus driver for succesfully pulling up at a bus stop? "Guid work big man, yir brakin' skills were pure magic!"

In the face of such slack-jawed bumpkinry, I think that air hostesses should be issued samurai swords and throwing knives.

They'll be invaluable if the yokels realise that some form of voodoo is propelling us through the air and start gibbering in their heathen lingo, invoking the sign of the evil eye and offering up human sacrifices to the Gods.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

The Best Days Of Our Lives

Channel Four are showing "Child Genius" at the moment, an insightful documentary examining talented youngsters from all over the UK. Whether they're writing novels, playing complex piano parts, trouncing all opposition at chess while blindfolded or calculating Pi to the seventy-fourth decimal, it seems there's little these kids can't do.

It's inspiring to see youngsters mastering fields in which most of us grown-ups could only dream of even achieving competence. It actually leaves me feeling hopeful that, with enough hard work, I too can make my dreams become reality.

But such children often find that their gift can also be a curse. The guy who sits next to me at work was a home-schooled child prodigy - he's very shy and lacks all social skills due to his isolation in his formative years. What he really needs is to relive childhood as the average schoolkid did.

So last Thursday I held his head down the toilet while pulling the flush, and when he got back to his desk I'd thrown his briefcase out of the window.

He grassed me up to the boss and I had to stay behind after work, but it's worth the sacrifice - anything for a pal.
Donut-Loving Islamist Blames Weight Problem On Kafir Confectionery, Jews

Zionist-Controlled Bakeries To Be "Wiped From The Page Of History"
Heat! Magazine, 8th February 2007

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Pimp-Daddy L.L. P-Bremer, Ho's Appear Before Punk-Ass Playa-Hatin' Congressional Panel

"Yo, where my people's money be at, bitch?" - Sen. Henry Waxman

New York Times, 7th February 2007

Flanked by his bitches, righteous motherfucker and former American civilian administrator in Iraq, L.L. P-Bremer, faced disrespectful questioning today from the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

Mr. Bremer defended his performance as top dogg of the Coalition Provisional Authority at a hearing when Democrats criticised his allegedly weak-ass management, from which period $12 billion in cash remains unaccounted for.

California Senator Henry Waxman was particularly unforgiving, asking "Yo, bitch, where my people's money be at?"

Mr. Bremer was unperturbed, answering "Hey, y'all, when I got to tha G-Zone, shit was all fucked up, y'know? Damn straight."

When Sen. Waxman asked Bremer to explain exactly how fucked up shit was, he responded "Yo, yo, I'm here reprazentin' for tha C to tha P to tha muthafuckin' A, an' I'm tellin' y'all that was some stone-cold nasty shit."

Mr. Bremer's bitches then disrupted proceedings for some minutes with loud chants of "CPA, CPA!".

Mr. Bremer was angered by the accusation that a significant portion of the missing funds could have found its way into the hands of the anti-American insurgency.

"Hey, yo, don't go runnin' up on a brother wit' no accusations and shit. Ain't no insurgency gettin' its hands on no green, I gots tha fuckin' kung-fu grip on them muthafuckers."

The Senate investigation will only examine the missing $12 billion from the US treasury which was distributed to military personnel and often used as pillows or left in unlocked drawers. It is unknown how the three-hundred and sixty tonnes of cash was spent.

The Committee will not investigate the $8.8 billion dollars of Iraqi oil money and leftover funds from the Oil-For-Food programme that similarly vanished during Mr. Bremer's tenure.

Senate Republicans dissed their opponents for attempting to make political capital in a time of war.

"Hey, G's, we bawlin' bad-style with tha' muthafuckin' insurgency," said Sen. John L. Mica, waving a fat roll of bills. "Waggin' fingaz ain't gonna straighten shit out, anyhow, y'all playa haterz."

Hearings continue tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

A Thing Of Beauty And An Expense Forever

Five years ago, I would've disagreed vehemently with the proposition that "Women prefer clothes to sex."

"Women on average say they would be willing to give up sex for 15 months for a closet full of new apparel, with 2 percent ready to abstain from sex for three years in exchange for new duds, according to a new survey of about 1,000 women in 10 U.S. cities."

"Sixty-one percent of women polled said it would be worse to lose their favorite article of clothing than give up sex for a month."

It's an older and wiser Rodent that considers this question today, when merely convincing a woman to remove her clothes has become a Sisyphean ordeal.

Who knows? Maybe it's the gas mask, I've noticed some of the girls are a little intimidated.

These days, even a trip to the shops with Mrs. Rodent usually entails a lengthy debate upon the difference between the words "Want" and "Need" when applied to footwear. My usual reward is a harsh lesson in the failings of my debating skills*.

Still, it's worth noting the curious differences in human sexuality - God knows how many times I've pretended to take an interest in fashion to impress a woman. Having testicles really is like being chained to the village idiot, as Harry Hutton would say.

Unlike hermaphroditism, which is an end in itself.

*P.S. - Bear in mind that two years ago, Mrs. Rodent and I visited an exhibition of artifacts from the homes of the Romanov dynasty, the last Imperial family of Russia.

"Was Lenin a bad man?", Mrs. Rodent asked, as we entered the section on the revolution.

"Well, some people disagree," I said, "but I think he was."

Mrs. Rodent thought this over, then asked "So, was Stalin a bad man?"

"Er, Yes," I said, "Stalin was a very bad man, about as bad as it's possible to be."

"Oh," she said, and was quiet for a moment. "So why do all those people wear that picture of him on their T-shirts?"

I don't make these stories up, incidentally. That's verbatim.

Saturday, February 03, 2007

Outbreaks Of Football Interrupt Italian Violence Season
BBC News, 2nd February 2007

The Italian Violence Federation (VIGC) has suspended all riots indefinitely after serious incidents of football broke out at a Serie A fight between Catania and Palermo.

The VIGC has called off all this weekend's professional and amateur pitched battles, and also cancelled Italy's unfriendly with Romania on Wednesday.

Commissioner Luca Pancalli said: "What we're witnessing has nothing to do with violent disorder, so Italian rioting is stopping."

"One day is not sufficient," Pancalli added. "Without drastic measures, we cannot fight again. We will not allow a minority of sportsmen to ruin the enjoyment of Italian hooligans."

Italian violence has been beset by ugly scenes of passing, shooting and heading in recent years.

The Rome-based FA's efforts to stamp out the growing menace of sportsmanship faced a serious setback in 2006, when eleven Italian footballers ran amok in Germany, destroying all opposition and winning the World Cup.

Commissioner Pancalli was adamant that further outbreaks of athleticism would be harshly dealt with.

"Rest assured, we will be tackling this football problem from behind, bringing it down and hopefully snapping its shins."

Liveblogging The Apocalypse

Damn, it would appear that the nation is infested with sneezing poultry and we are all going to die.

In the short term, I would recommend abstaining from bestial sex with turkeys. Sadly, such sacrifices will have to be made.

I'm off out to the shops, hopefully the riots won't have started yet.

Update!: Hell, I was out in the street, couldn't make it to the shops... there are flocks of bloodthirsty turkeys on the rampage, burning cars, their beady eyes filled with madness and hatred for humanity...

Jesus, those bastards bite hard... having difficulty stopping the bleeding - shit, they're trying to break the door down, I'd bettar

Update 2!: They're gone now, looks like they managed to get into the flat downstairs. All I can hear is their insane gobbling... not feeling so good, this wound hurts something awful. I managed to stop the bleeding but Jesus - I can't raise the cops on the phone, they must have got to the lines...

I've got to go, I can hear scratching on the stairs.

Updaate 3!: Feelin terible, i

udtars 44445 urrrrrrr.... brains.... brains.... brains....

Friday, February 02, 2007

Oops, Butter Fingers

I suppose there's no point crying over spilt milk, but as far as excuses go this one ranks rather lower than "the dog shat on my homework"...

"(Israeli Deputy Prime Minister Shimon) Peres said in an exclusive interview broadcast on Tuesday that the bombs were dropped "apparently ... without the knowledge even of the chief-of-staff".

He told Al Jazeera's David Foster: "To be short and clear, we committed a mistake, regrettably..."

"...During the 34-day war in Lebanon last summer, the UN estimates that around one million cluster bomblets were dropped by Israel in the south of the country, 90 per cent of them in the last 72 hours before a ceasefire took effect."

Well that's okay then. God knows I've made my share of mistakes in my time, so I'm in no position to judge.

There was that time I screwed up and set off the burglar alarm when I was a bar manager, that was embarrassing. Then there was that time I was drunk and set fire to my dressing gown when I was wearing it, and put it out by pouring scalding hot coffee in my lap.

That wasn't very clever.

Then there was the time I ordered a squadron of B-52's to carpet bomb Falkirk into next week, then sent in attack choppers to strafe the rubble. I'll never live that one down.

Honestly, one little mistake and dodgy Middle Eastern TV stations never let you forget it. What about all the towns I didn't destroy?

The Freedom Omelette - That which can't be made without breaking a few eggs