If there's one thing that bores me to tears, it's the furious pundit whose every column is a blast of brutal, hissing rage. I don't understand how people who spend their entire lives on the verge of berserk, rampaging apoplexy function, and I certainly don't know how they manage to hold down jobs.
That said, even I have a breaking point at which I lose my sense of humour.
BBC Breakfast News - Big Brother race rumpus.
ITV Evening News - Big Brother race rumpus.
BBC News At Six - Big Brother race rumpus.
Channel Four News - Big Brother race rumpus.
BBC Newsnight - Big Brother race rumpus.
BBC Question Time - Big Brother race rumpus.
Guardian, Times, Independent, Sun, Daily Mail, Express, Herald, Scotsman - Big Brother race rumpus.
All UK internet sites, including this one - Big Brother race rumpus.
Conversation at work today, all day, including email exchanges - Big Brother race rumpus.
Either the entire nation has gone completely bananas, or I'm watching far too much current affairs.
For the uninitiated (i.e. anyone fortunate enough not to be British), a bunch of Channel 4's Big Brother contestants have been bullying another of their number, an Indian Bollywood Star. While most of this has been the standard brainless, vicious sadism that passes for entertainment in the UK, there's been an ugly racial undertone to the insults.
I haven't watched a single episode, and I'm a fucking expert.
This has driven me to come up with a suggestion on how to resolve this situation to the satisfaction of all concerned, and I think you'll be surprised at its simplicity.
Taser them. Taser all of them.
Taser them as they're sitting down to dinner, as they're sucking in our precious air to let fly with another volley of asinine pig-ignorance; taser them while they're yakking like hooting fuckhammers, taser them before they can emit another single syllable of ginned-up tabloid fodder with which to pollute the short time we each have allotted to us.
Taser them with 50,000 volts of white-hot, convulsing electricity, then turn on the sprinkler system and taser them again.
And if that doesn't work, just taser me and don't let go of the trigger until the battery is flat.
I like Britain, I really do, but sometimes it's more than a sane man can bear.