Wednesday, January 03, 2007

My Remarkable Powers Of Foresight

Well, there's no going back now. No longer do we teeter over the precipice of 2007 - from now on it's a headlong, screeching, white-knuckle ride before the sickening crunch as I hit the brick wall of my thirtieth birthday at the end of November.

Still, there's no point in being downhearted - who knows what joys this year may bring?

Predictions seem to be all the rage at the moment, so here's my stab at the coming year's big news stories.

February - Miami, Florida, USA

Protests erupt after a woman in a persistent vegitative state is shot dead to prevent her from aborting her child.

The killer, a pro-life activist and evangelical Christian, is pardoned by Governor Jeb Bush after it emerges that he has a licence to carry a concealed weapon and believed that the victim was about to attack him.

Thanks to advances in medical science, the foetus survives and releases a best-selling, tell-all memoir, Why Did Mommy Try To Kill Me?, despite being born without a brain.

March - London, England

Another whale swims up the Thames.

It draws massive crowds of excited onlookers, who throng the riverbanks to catch a peek of the majestic beast, which is regrettably shot by the Metropolitan police, incorrectly suspecting it of links to terrorism.

Sympathy for the unfortunate whale evaporates when the police announce the discovery of a sizeable stash of calffy-porn in its blowhole, an allegation which later turns out to be false.

June - London, England

A bank robbery by two veil-wearing, Muslim immigrants causes the nation's print press to launch into scenes of bacchanalian revelry so extreme that fires and drug-induced vandalism temporarily shut down all newspaper presses.

A nation rejoices.

July - Manchester, England

Vladimir Putin sparks a fresh "nuclear terrorism" panic by going door-to-door, saying "Nice place you've got here, it'd be a shame if something happened to it" and "Da, one carelessly dropped canister of polonium and this area would be uninhabitable for ten years, if you know what I mean".

November - Jerusalem, Israel

This will be the year when Ariel Sharon bursts back onto the political scene, possibly after undergoing a form of experimental radiotherapy.

Civilians run shrieking as Sharon rises wrathfully from his deathbed and begins blasting Jerusalem with laser bolts from his eyes, laying waste to the busy streets with his brute strength.

Tony Blair's calls for restraint will go unheeded once more as the IDF engages a roaring, rampaging Sharon with tanks and warplanes, and are forced to retreat after taking heavy casualties.

As a last resort, the corpse of Yasser Arafat is exhumed, clad in a cybernetic exoskeleton and sent to do battle with the berserk general. A titanic struggle ensues, causing terrible damage to property, until the two combatants plunge headlong into an electric sub-station, locked in a vice-like deathgrip of mutual rage.

Some civilians get killed, but an English blogger proves that this doesn't matter.

December - United Kingdom

As the year draws to a close, an unprecedented number of scare stories strike the UK headlines.

The whirlwind of stories about terrorist threats, satanic child abuse, devil dogs, killer date-rape drugs, illegal immigrants and nasty Muslims reaches a perfect storm, coalescing into a singularity of fear so concentrated that Britain flares up into a ludicrous balloon of its own paranoia and winks out of existence.

Five months later, the French stop burning each others' cars long enough to look up and say, "Hey, eet's all been a bit quiet over there recently".

Or I might be wrong, it's difficult to predict.

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