Wednesday, January 24, 2007

India & The UK - Spot The Difference

The Indian production of the famous quiz show, Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? has drafted in Bollywood star Shah Rukh Khan as host, in an effort to lighten the tone.

"Khan came across as a friendly anchor, who high-fived with a contestant when he got the answer right, spoke in another's native language and even gave a back massage to a third who said he was too nervous."

Mr. Khan is a far nicer host, who tries to lessen the torment of his rupee-hungry, angst-ridden contestants. Doesn't Indian TV sound rather pleasant?

That would never fly in the UK, where Millionaire's ratings have slumped.

Sensing the chance to make my fortune, I've sent the producers my proposal for a punchier, Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast-inspired Who Wants To Be A Fucking Millionaire?

I don't want to give too much away, but Ben will be cleaning his nails with a knife when the contestants come on, and the audience will be deathly silent.

"What's the capital city of Rwanda?" Ben will ask, in an offhand tone, and he'll listen to half a minute of hemming and hawing before he snaps and screams, "What's the fucking answer then? Come on, cunt, capital of Rwanda! Answer, answer now!"

When they tremble "Kigali...?", that's the cue for deafening heavy metal music, and the three dobermanns at Ben's feet will hurl themselves at the contestant, barking ferociously and straining at their leashes.

When they reach £16,000 Ben will start absent-mindedly flicking lit matches at them, and just before he asks the final question he'll fire a shotgun in the air.

Anyone making it to that point would get fifty grand cold, even if they goofed the answer - I'm not a complete scumbag, after all.

"Come on," I hear you say, "nobody would watch a show that crass and exploitative."

Well, you obviously haven't heard of Love At Second Sight, a Dutch dating show which will air on 20th February.

"Do you have a visible serious handicap and are you looking for a partner?" says an appeal on its Web site.

"The program is a platform for people with such problems to share experiences and feelings in a positive way with the rest of the Netherlands and to show that they are absolutely not pitiful," the broadcaster said..."

"But the majority of Dutch viewers are turned off by the show that was initially set to be called "Monster Love."

No word yet on my Ben Kingsley Millionaire idea, but fingers crossed...

No comments: