Saturday, December 16, 2006

Razor Blades And A Noose? You Shouldn't Have!

Christmas seems to relieve lazy hacks of their responsibility to come up with inventive, creative writing. As soon as the tinsel hoves into view, every newspaper fills with lists of the year's best and worst movies, books, TV shows etc.

Why should blogs be any different?

Well, we all know what happens to the suicide rate over the holiday season, so why should the unfortunate loners of the UK be excluded from the fun?

In that spirit, I thought I'd post a list of my own, so here's my Top Three Eye-Gougingly Depressing Cultural Events of 2006.

3. The Road by Cormac McCarthy

A father and son travel a bleak highway heading towards an unknown destination in the aftermath of a horrific cataclysm which has devastated the Earth and almost annihilated humanity. The only other survivors are gangs of deranged "Blood Cultists", who will rape, kill and eat both of them if they're caught.

To give you an idea, the father spends much of the novel questioning whether he'll be able to shoot his son to spare him from a worse fate.

Reading it is like: Watching a happy toddler playing with an electric drill in the bath.

Will drive you to: Attempted suicide by insertion of the fingers into the ears, and frantic pushing for the brain.

2. Children of Men

An unspecified disaster has sterilised humanity, and no child has been born on Earth for eighteen years. Civilisation has collapsed everywhere except Britain, which has resorted to fascism to maintain order.

Relentlessly brutal, any comforting moments of warmth are indicators that an even more shocking act of violence is imminent.

Death camps, government-issue suicide pills, terrorist bombings...

Watching it is like: A front row seat at the 2006 Wide-Eyed-Puppy Kicking Contest as the contestants put on their spiked boots.

Will drive you to: Attempted suicide by dashing your skull open on the pavement.

1. United 93

A mundane domestic flight becomes an epic of horror and desperation as the passengers try to tackle shitbag hi-jackers.

Watching it is like: Watching the last panda in existence arse about in a minefield.

Will drive you to: Attempted suicide by reaching down your throat and pulling out your lungs.

Any other suggestions appreciated, but I deliberately didn't mention Red Road, in case I'm responsible for any of you watching it. Trust me, it made me want to decapitate myself by slamming my neck with the door of my car.

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