Tuesday, November 14, 2006

"We're Talkin', or I'm Walkin'!"

Jerry Springer Show,
14th November 2006

(Theme music, applause, Jerry to center stage)

JERRY: Alright, thank you!

(Cheers, hoo-ahs)

JERRY: ...And welcome to the show. Has your partner ever cheated on you, disrespected you or thrown you out? Today we're gonna be talkin' to couples whose relationships are going wrong. Our first guest is Iran, who says that her man badmouths her in front of his friends and goes through her things looking for evidence she's been cheating. She says that he needs to change if their relationship is going to work. Come on out, Iran!

(Music, cheers, IRAN walks on stage, pumping the air and whooping, sits).

JERRY: So Iran, what is it that your man does that upsets you?

IRAN: Okay Jerry, so America's all, like, up in my face all the time, disrespectin' me and bein' all aggressive. Him and his friends is always out messin' wit other women all the time.

JERRY: You say he's playing around with other women, do you know this for sure?

IRAN: Damn right I know it for sure, he's been f***in' that ho Iraq mornin', noon and night for three goddamn years-

(Loud booing, hissing)

IRAN: Yeah, yeah, that's right!

Iran: "America gots to show me some respect".

JERRY: And you've got something you'd like to say to him today?

IRAN: Yeah, Jerry, but I'll only speak to America on, like, certain conditions, okay? First, he's gotta change his behaviour. Second, he's gotta stop messin' wit them skanks he's been foolin' wit and third-

(Hoots, howls, "Yeah!"s)

IRAN: - And third, he's gotta show me some respect, you know? He's gotta give me some space, respect my privacy and not be snoopin' into my nuclear programme all the time.

JERRY: Okay, so let's see what America has to say for himself. America, get on out here!

(AMERICA emerges, loud booing, hissing. AMERICA walks to the front of the stage, throwing gangsta hand shapes and hitting his chest).

AMERICA: What? What y'all beefin' at, huh? Y'all want some, huh?

JERRY: Okay, America, sit on down now. Your girl has something she'd like to say to you. Go on, Iran.

IRAN: Yeah, America, you gots to stop disrespectin' me all the time. Like, when you was up at the UN building talkin' trash and callin' me a terrorist-sponsorin' ho -

(Screaming, howling, "You go girl!"s).

AMERICA: Yo, yo Jerry, Iran had that comin', she can't keep the house tidy, keeps leavin' nuclear waste and s**t lyin' in the bathroom and-

IRAN: (Jumps up, pointing, restrained by BOUNCER) You no-good son of a bitch, how many times I gots to tell you that's for peaceful purposes, you a**hole?

(Ecstatic shrieks of excitement)

America: "Baby, you know I love you, but..."

JERRY: So, America, is there anything you'd like to say to Iran?

AMERICA: (Sits back, rearranges genitals, coughs, wry smile) Yeah, well, there is. (Takes IRAN's hand) Iran, baby, you know I love you, and we had some good times and stuff, but I been seein' someone else.

CROWD: Ooooooh!

IRAN: (Look of startled horror) Who? Who the f**k you been messin' on me wit?

AMERICA: A girl that don't give no money to no terrorists or build no nuclear warheads.

JERRY: Well, let's meet her. Israel, can you step out here please?

(ISRAEL enters stage left, smiling and waving, kisses AMERICA. IRAN screams and grabs ISRAEL by the hair, furious punching ensues, AMERICA tries to seperate the two).

IRAN: You f**kin' bitch, I'll f**kin' drive you into the f**kin' sea, you f**kin' bitch!

(Enter BOUNCERS, stage right)

JERRY: Hey, come on now, break it up, calm down!

(general melee, blood and hair fly)

CROWD: Go Jerry, go Jerry, go Jerry... (repeat ad infinitum...)

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