Channel-hopping this evening, I happened upon that most British of entertainments - the "rudimentary"*.
Visitors from warmer climes may be unfamiliar with the concept, but after ten at night the airwaves buzz with thinly-veiled excuses to show clips from dirty movies, dressed up as documentaries.
Watching in a spirit of academic interest, I was amused to see a female director announce her intention to trudge that well-worn path, the "pornography for women" wheeze.
This has been tried before with little success, since most women are less inclined towards shutting the curtains and making the beast with one back to amateurishly-shot bumping and grinding. Plus, those female enthusiasts that do exist seem content with the shameful debauchery already committed to film.
My theory is that womens' pornography already exists, and is readily available at newsagents and supermarkets across the land. Unlike their male counterparts, the titillation stems not from the attractiveness of the ladies involved, but their wrinkles, botched plastic surgery and bags under the eyes.
Well-toned flesh is replaced with visible ribs, and the only curves on these girls must be on their stomachs. Hair should be unkempt, make-up should run in unsightly streaks and the only close-ups should be on cellulite.
It's Now! and Heat magazine I'm talking about, of course. From observation, I'd say that photos of Lindsey Lohan answering her door in her dressing gown and soap starlets the worse for wear at 2 a.m. provide a near-sexual thrill for many ladies.
Why this should be is a mystery to me, but the market has spoken and it seems that the nation takes an unhealthy interest in the puffy red faces of drunken Big Brother contestants.
So I'm looking for financial backing for a business venture. I propose to publish "Eat it, Bitch!" magazine, a full-colour glossy in which I relieve myself into celebrities' drinks when they're not looking, shave their pets and put unpleasant insects in their handbags, then photograph the amusing results.
"This Creme Brulee Tastes Funny! - Christina unamused by mouse-droppings"
It would also feature an eight page fold out spread, in which former models and It Girls crawl on all fours pleading for tenners while a troop of shrieking chimpanzees hurl clumps of shit at them.
I think we're onto a winner here, folks. There's a huge gap in the market for starlet-taunting, for those with the vision to fill it.
Sling me a couple of grand, a camera, a large snake and access to Paris Hilton's toilet, and we'll be millionaires within months.
*Also known as the "Masturmentary".