Heathen Hansom Cab Owners Deny Our Lord
Vampire Hunters Vexed
London Evening Standard
18th May 1897
The God-fearing citizenry of London was shocked yesterday by the Britannia Hansom Cab Company's blasphemous prohibition of the holy cross, as the heathen owners of London's largest cabriolet service mocked our Saviour by forbidding their drivers to wear His holy symbol.
Ladies swooned as the news spread, and Christian men were moved to utter impolite oaths of frustration.
"This ruling is the product of a syphilitic mind," said noted physician, sawbones and vampire hunter Doctor Abraham Van Helsing M.D., D. Ph, D. Litt, etc., etc. "If an honest Christian man cannot protect himself against the devilish attentions of the unquiet dead in his own hansom cab, then I say that England has quite taken leave of its senses."
"It is linguistic rectitude rendered mentally infirm, I tell you. This country is departing to the hounds - it seems that a gentleman must now bow to the sensitivities of the Transylvanian, when there is scant evidence that the Transylvanian pays homage to the traditions of Old England."
"I'd send them all back where they came from, if I had my way. The very pits of Hell itself, that is."