Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Blog Meme - Satan's Chewing Gum

There's nothing the average blogger hates more than a viral meme, but since I've been tagged by Not Saussure - a knowledgable blogger with a fine grasp of the the law and the ability to translate it into simple English for the consumption of even our most hysterical brethren - I'll play along.

Thankfully, it's a simple question - what ten things would you never do?

I can think of at least a hundred, but I've whittled it down to ten teeth-grinding horrors.

10. I will never kick a man when he's down.

A few years in a Scottish high school drums it into you - as soon as the fucker hits the deck, jump on his head.

9. I will never support the England football team.

Nothing personal, my Southern cousins, but as a child I was molested by the '86 World Cup squad. In the feverish hell of my dreams, I can still see Gary Lineker's maniacal face bearing down on me like a big, sweaty naan bread, while Peter Shilton screams "Fucking handball ref!" over and over, in a despairing Midlands mantra of heartbreak and horror.

8. I will never say "Boo!" to a goose.

I'm not an animal lover, I just realise it would be largely pointless.

7. I will never have sexual intercourse with Jodie Foster.

Rumour has it that she is on the other bus.

6. I will never read another John Grisham novel.

Like being beaten with electric hammers, viciously stamping the words "plot twist", "ethical dilemma" and "moral of the story" into your skull. Tedious, obvious, jack-hammers of banality from a man with all the soul of a coked-up accountant in a titty bar.

5. I will never use the phrase "Political correctness gone mad" in anger, even if it's entirely merited.

I'll just ink a tattoo of a scrotum on my forehead as a warning to all to stay clear.

4. I will never hurt a fly.

Not that I'm a Buddhist, it's just that baby seals give more sport.

3. I will never learn Russian.

Too fucking complicated, and let's face it, what's the point?

2. I will never convert to a religion.

If I wanted to live my life according to the eccentric diktats of an oppressive, all-powerful being that refuses to explain its cruelty and insanity, I'd get married.

1. I will never let sleeping dogs lie.

If there's one thing I can't abide, it's dishonesty.

I apologise if my choices seem obvious, but the unusual pledges were already taken.

Update! I've been reminded that I'm supposed to pass this on, like some electronic VD of the brain.

In that spirit, I'll nominate Clairwil, The Ill Man, NMJ at Velo Gubbed Legs, Pisces at The Far Queue, Binty McShae the Average Tosser, Wyndham the Triffid, Ion at Ionetics, the Wisdom Weasel, Larry at Tampon Teabag and John at Konichiwa Bitches, purely to see which of them can tell me to fuck off in the most brutally cutting fashion.

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