CAMBRIDGE, MA - The results of a USA Today-CNN-Gallup poll released Monday show that 66 percent of Americans object to the use of torture during times of war.
"We can be proud that the majority of citizens stand against our military personnel's use of torture," Harvard statistician William Stover said. "And it's somewhat comforting that, of the 34 percent of Americans who advocate torture, 72 percent said it should be used only when other methods of discipline have failed".
Reassuringly, 97 percent of Americans were against the torture of U.S. soldiers or citizens by non-Americans.
It seemed funny when the Onion said this in 2004, but somewhat less so in light of today's BBC Poll finding that a third of humanity supports the use of torture.
So, how did your nation do? With a quick drumroll, let's look which countries lead the world in agreeing that "some degree of torture should be permissable".
Torture Bowl 2006 - Final Standings
1st - Israel, 43%
2nd - Iraq, 42%
Joint 3rd - Indonesia and the Philippines, 40%
5th - Nigeria, 39%
6th - Kenya, 38%
Joint 7th - Russia and China, 37%
9th - USA, 36%
Joint 10th - India and Brazil, 32%
12th - Ukraine, 29%
13th - Poland, 27%
14th - Egypt, 25%
Joint 15th - Turkey, Mexico and the United Kingdom, 24%
A shabby result all round for Britain, bringing up the rear alongside nations with only averagely horrible human rights records.
And, while you might think that big dogs heading up the table like the three "I's" have the advantage of being regularly terrorised into accepting inhumanity, it should be remembered that each of these nations have substantial minority ethnic groups in their populations, i.e. the very ones whose testicles will be feeling the sweet electric kiss of the nutsack shocker.
So come on, Britain! America has shown that you don't need to be a poverty stricken African nation or a former Eastern Bloc country to lead the fight for security!
Get fearmongering, and we can show the world that our populace can be just as ruthlessly dispassionate about our basic duty as human beings as everyone else!
Perhaps one day in the near future, as we gaze out across the fair green land of our country, we'll raise our nutsack shockers to the sky and cry with one voice, "We're number one! We're number one!".