I'm not what you would call a spiritual man.
I've always had trouble coming to terms with the inherent logical fallacies of the great religions - how can the devil exist, if nothing could conceivably oppose the will of God?
Is morality moral because the Lord says so, and what if he suddenly changed his mind? What would it mean if I continued to act in a moral fashion?
The whole issue of religious belief is riddled with contradictions.
So naturally I've decided to refrain from guising this year. Or from trick or treating, as young 'uns are apt to call it these days.
I feel like a fraud, trying to blend in with the other worshippers. Not only are my costumes cheap and unconvincing, I just can't muster the same enthusiasm the other pagans so readily display as they scamper from door to door terrorising their neighbours.
I'm also at least a foot taller than the rest of the flock, which makes me stick out like a sore thumb.
Still, I seem to have a higher success rate at extorting sweets from my neighbours than they do, so I must be doing something right.
Wicca? It's for midgets and losers, apparently.
It seems, then, that Hallowe'en isn't everybody's cup of tea - Binty hates it, for one, and Larry uses it as a cheap excuse to link to amusing seasonal puppets made from feminine hygiene products.
All of which is, as usual, trumped by the Hallowe'en celebrations at the idiots' carnival that is Little Green Footballs.
Go on, guess what they're doing.
Yes, you guessed right - they're gathered round the warm, comforting, patriotic glow of a tastefully hand-carved Hallowe'en 9/11 commemorative pumpkin.
And people wonder why I struggle to come up with satirical commentary these days?
What's next, Santa slamming his sleigh into the Pentagon while the smashed bodies of elves and reindeer spell out "We Will Always Remember?"