Sunday, September 24, 2006

Why Ya Gotta Guzzle Pills And Vodka?

Because she wants to, obviously.

I'm sure readers will be as distressed as I am with the news that Dalek-battling, chav-pop warbler Billie Piper contemplated suicide as a teenager due to the pressures of fame.

"She considered a drug overdose while alone in a US hotel room, aged 16, before phoning her parents to ask to come home."

The mere thought of Billie doing herself in fills me with dread, and it's just as well she didn't make a failed attempt - after all, given where she was, she could've wound up facing a charge of engaging in an attempted act of asymmetric warfare against the United States.

Thankfully, her longing for the embrace of sweet oblivion amounted to nothing, and Ms. Piper went on to a successful career cracking knob gags on childrens' TV.

This news article does prompt the question "Which celebrities would you most like to see attempting brutal self-murder, and how?".

I'll start the ball rolling - I'd like to see Courtney Love attempt to beat herself to death with a hair drier, and I'd also enjoy watching Adam Sandler try to repeatedly run himself over with a tractor.

Any suggestions yourself? Perhaps you'd like to witness Morrissey maniacally throttling himself into the next world, or have an urge to goad on Lucy Liu as she despairingly hurls herself into a pit filled with live tigers.

I'm predicting many votes for Paris Hilton, on her hands and knees, repeatedly slamming her forehead into the pavement in an attempt to dash her tiny brain out for the centre pages of Hello! magazine.

Update! I've just thought of the perfect present for Governator Schwarzenegger, for the day he decides that this cruel world has nothing left to offer him.

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