Saturday, August 05, 2006

God Apologises for Slaughter of Firstborn
Domestic Scribes Note "Discrepancies"; Blame Egyptians

Ancient Egyptian Times,
2nd of Akhet, 1628 BC

In a statement released today, God apologised for His decision to send the Angel of Death to slaughter of the firstborn male children of Egypt.

"IN MY DIVINE WRATH I MAY HAVE ERRED" the Lord's statement read, "HAD MY INFORMATION INDICATED THAT MY ACTIONS WOULD LEAD TO THE DEATHS OF SO MANY CHILDREN, THE ANGEL OF DEATH WOULD NOT HAVE BEEN UNLEASHED".


God apologises, rages against "lunatic" scribes.

God stressed that he would not have been forced to extreme measures had Pharoah not insisted on keeping his chariots in urban areas.

"HAD PHAROAH RESPONDED TO THE PLEAS OF MY CHILDREN FOR FREEDOM THIS UNFORTUNATE INCIDENT NEED NOT HAVE OCCURRED. BLAME FOR THIS TRAGEDY LIES WITH PHAROAH."

Pharoah, whose firstborn child was one of the victims of the Lord's wrath, could not be contacted for comment.

Several domestic scribes have raised concerns over the incident however, pointing to discrepancies in the official story. They question the lengthy interval between the Angel of Death's smiting and the great wail "such as will never be heard again" that echoed through the cities of Egypt. They further accuse Pharoah of exaggerating and cynically inflating the death toll, and of milking the incident in an attempt to smear the Lord. Others have stated that Pharoah deliberately passed flawed intelligence to the Almighty to encourage Him to slay the children.

"You know who really killed those people is Pharoah. Pharoah killed those people." said the Demagogue Limbaughses.

"Pharoah put those people in those buildings and brought the chariots in close by, knowing full well that the chariots would be targeted. That wail was not heard for eight hours after the Angel of Death's visit. What do you bet that Pharoah finished the job that the Angel of Death did not actually complete? What do you bet they killed their own people for the PR aspect? These people cannot compete militarily with any agrarianised nation, so they have to fight the PR and the spin war. And it is amazing to me to see how easily the Babylonian and world media is misled".

When questioned about these claims, the Lord became wrathful.

"THESE PEOPLE ARE FUCKING NUTS. IT WAS ME THAT DID IT, END OF STORY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THESE LUNATICS KEEP TRYING TO MISREPRESENT MY ACTIONS".

The Angel Gabriel, analysing the Lord's decision, stated that His overreaction was counterproductive.

"The Lord must examine Himself and investigate the recent mistakes made in inflicting plagues".

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