Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Edinburgh: City of Culture, Literature, Theatre...

... and fucking Sea Gulls.


Millions of them, festooning every square foot of grass, perched on every lamp-post, giving you the beady eye every time you sit down for lunch with a sandwich. Malignant, squawking, pigeon-eating, flapping balls of unrepentant hate, every last one of them.

Don't get me wrong, I like birds. Pigeons, even manky city pigeons, are really rather pleasant - I find their cooing quite soothing, although they look a little undignified fighting beak-and-claw over a half-eaten burger.

I'm starting to think that there's a real gap in the evolutionary chain begging to be filled in Edinburgh.

Imagine some kind of abnormally large lizard that burrows into pavements, has a rapacious hunger for beaks and feathers, and, most importantly, can disguise itself as a doner kebab. It'd be top of the food chain in days, glutted on pigeon, ferocious exterminator of the vile Sea Gull.

Mind you, then we'd have to think of something to cull a plague of kebab-lizards, not to mention the hike in Council Tax due to knackered pavements and law suits - perhaps a super-intelligent species of kebab-eating eagles.

An inelegant solution, I'll admit, but at least the noble eagle has a little more grace than fucking Sea Gulls.

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