Saturday, August 26, 2006

Drunken Hitchens Slays Fifty In Brutal Studio Rampage

Journalist "Was Like a Wild Animal", say stunned witnesses

Controversial writer Christopher Hitchens was detained by police last night after a murderous rampage in a New York recording studio which left fifty dead and eighty injured...


..."It was all going well, we were having our usual question and answer, but then the audience booed his defenses of the President and he (Hitchens) just seemed to lose it," said a stunned Bill Maher, who lost an eye in the incident.

"He just waded into the audience with a broken Perrier bottle, slashing left and right, foaming at the mouth... just completely berserk... I don't think I'll ever forget seeing him beating that woman with the producer's spinal column... he kept screaming things like "Die, bourgeois apologists for fascism!" and "This is for your pompous, hypocritical hucksterism, Saddam lovers!"...

... Hitchens' ferocious attack was brought to a halt when he was shot sixteen times by police, who were then able to subdue him with taser guns...

... Asked for an explanation for Hitchens' rampage, citizen journalist Glenn Reynolds was adamant that Hitchens had done no wrong, stating that the audience had provoked him...

"Should things go badly with the war, Maher's audience -- and, for that matter, Maher himself -- will be cited by historians as evidence of the American opposition's unseriousness," said Reynolds.

Asked whether prosecutors would take the provocation by the victims into account, Reynolds responded "Heh, indeed".

No comments: