Thursday, July 20, 2006

How The Professionals Do It


Anyone who's visited this page before (and you're part of a very select group, let me tell you) may have read my post The Book of Ehud. This was an updated rip-off of a Private Eye skit, The Book of Sharon, that ran during the dog days of the most recent intifada*, in around 2002 or so, explaining the conflict in biblical terms.

So, what better time for the fuckers to resurrect the gag than three days after I published my post? Naturally, it had to have exactly the same title, although being a professional, the author hasn't strayed into the same territory as I, nor does he ramble on in the same scattergun vein.

The Book of Ehud, Private Eye version

Chapter 94

1. And it came to pass in the days when Ehud ruled the Land of Israel as Sharon lay sleeping in an coma that the Hamas-ites came privily by night and stole from the Israelites a soldier whose name was Shalit and led him away into captivity.

2. And Ehud counselled himself thus, saying.

3. "What shall I do? Shall I smite the Hamas-ites like unto Sharon? Or smite them an hundredfold also like unto Sharon?".

4. And he decided to go for the hundredfold option.

5. And so he sayeth unto the Children of Israel, "Gird up thy tanks and go forth into the Land of Gaza and smite everything you see until this captive is restored to us."

6. And they did even as Ehud commanded.

7. But, guesseth what? The captured soldier returneth not.

8. And, meanwhile, there was great wailing and gnashing of teeth in the Land of Gaza, which was turned into an wilderness fit only for the cockatrice and the ant.

9. Now there dwelt in the Land of Lebanon certain Hizboll-ites who did look upon the works of the Hamas-ites and sayeth one to another:

10. "What the Hamas-ites have done, let us do also. For it seemeth a good idea.

11. "For as sure as the noonday sun riseth over the Cedars of Lebanon, the Sons of Israel will be consumed by wrath and their judgement will leaveth from the window".

12. And it was even as the Hizboll-ites foretold.

13. They also crept privily by night (See-eth above) and led certain soldiers of Israel into captivity.

14. Then Ehud waxed exceeding wroth, like unto the hornet when a man whacketh it with his flip-flop.

15. And Ehud again took counsel with himself (See-eth above again).

16. And, lo, yet again he reasoned that smiting was the only answer, but this time it would be a thousandfold.

17. So he commanded the Israelites: "Go forth unto the Land of Lebanon and lay it waste like unto Gaza, except more so, for these people learneth not their lesson.

18. "Unlike myself."

19. And so it came to pass and the Israelites smote the Hizboll-ites, and they smote back at the cities of the Israelites and meanwhile the Hamas-ites did some smiting as well.

20. And the Hamas-ites and the Hizboll-ites rejoiced, saying "It worketh every time".

21. But Ehud hearkeneth not, and sayeth unto himself:

22. "Perhaps I should extend the smiting to the Syrian-ites and then the Iran-ites and all the rest of the Arab-ites.

23. "Until there is no-one left to smite.

24. "And then the children of Israel may dwell in peace. Just as our forefathers didn't."

(To be continued throughout history)
Shorter, but with much the same punchline. All of which begs the question, what is the moral to be learnt from this tale?
I believe it is written somewhere, Thou shalt not steal.
*Before I forget, this post reminded me of something that happened in 2002, while I was in an Edinburgh boozer, discussing the Intifada with friends in the typically lamebrained fashion that an idealistic 23 year old would. It was a fairly big pub, but the landlord was obviously keen on a convivial atmosphere and wedged the tables and chairs in until there was barely room to lift a pint.
Much passionate denunciation of all sides was being flung about, when a scruffy looking guy in his mid-forties leaned into the conversation and said to me solemnly:
"I widnae bother with they intifada's, son. You can get a ten year old Porsche for about half the price."
He seemed to find this hysterical. Being a pompous ass, of course, I failed to see the funny side.

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