In my previous post I stated that I was going to reclaim some traditionally big-L Liberal cultural bastions for the conservative cause. The first thing subject to the scrutiny of my remorseless logic may strike some people as ridiculous, but I beg of you – hear me out.
The manufacture, retail and consumption of pornography are all conservative activities.
I realise there will be some heads shaking at the back, but I ask you to make this one mental leap – imagine that a majority of conservatives weren’t afflicted with deep seated psychological dysfunctions on the subject of sex.
I know, I know, I can hear you saying “But surely we would call such people liberals!”. Sadly, the myth persists that pornography is an industry maintained solely to advance a liberal agenda of free love. This shocking falsehood must be exposed.
1. Pornography is the ultimate expression of the free market.
What do conservatives on both sides of the Atlantic love more than a newspaper headline about terrorist, benefit scrounging, single-parent asylum seekers? You guessed it – the self-made man. And if there’s one thing that the sex industry has in spades, it’s risk taking entrepreneurs ready to exploit the talents they have to make as much money as possible.
From the streetwalkers of Leith all the way up to Jenna Jameson and Larry Flint, the sex worker knows what sells – naked white ass, lots of it, and the filthier the better. What could achieve more acclaim in these post-Reagan/Thatcher days than a young man or woman, born with nothing other than an impressive array of sexual organs and the sheer will to succeed?*
Imagine the hooker from Vietnam, or the Oklahoma prom queen fresh off the greyhound gaping in her first rapt gaze upon the glory of Hollywood, or the young man whose only true talents are manipulating women and hustling for cash. When these young businesspeople take their first exploratory steps into the world of cumshots, double penetration and BDSM, I can picture the moustachioed, moon face of Thomas Friedman suspended over them, huge and pendulous with the received wisdom of his capitalist forebears, nodding with sage approval.
Andy Warhol’s statement about fifteen minutes of fame has never been more apt here. For fifteen minutes of close-up genital penetration, mild spanking and faux-lesbianism, every girl can feel like a princess if she has the determination. All it takes is the get-up-and-go. Or the lie-down-and-get-it, depending on the type of movie.
And the best part is, the hooker with the bad teeth, the world weary porn star labouring into her fifteenth year in the business, all are subject to the laws of the free market – if the punters don’t buy your wares, you’re in the dustbin! Crawl off and die, old timer, because there are plenty of hot young nubiles waiting to take your place in that sex sandwich!
2. Pornography is traditional.
Love it or loathe it, they don’t call the sex trade “the oldest profession” for nothing. From the rank alleys of ancient Rome to the teeming neon avenues of Las Vegas, sex has been bought and sold for as long as there have been human settlements.
And as we know, there’s nothing the conservative mind adores more than tradition! Here’s my suggestion to the new leader of the Tory party; don’t bother coming up with any punchy slogans or well thought out policies before the next election, just print up a load of Union Jack flags with a picture of a bored Victorian hooker pinned up against a wall by a sweating, thrusting sailor.
Where do you think all these sexual swearwords come from? It’s our language! Use it! “Vote for the fucking Tory party, now with four inches more cock!”.
3. Conservative men love porn. All of them.
From America’s own Jim Swaggert and Bill O’Reilly to Jeffrey Archer and Alan “Shagger” Clark, there’s nothing the conservative man likes more than grubby sex. The UK is particularly full of pious perverts. This is a nation where, after the Prime Minister declared that his party stood for “Victorian values”, practically the entire party set about proving it with a string of mind-bogglingly indecent incidents.
First, heritage Minister David Mellor got caught for banging an actress – nothing odd there, but he made her wear his Chelsea FC strip before grunting out his bestial love upon her. If you think this is an uncharitable description, this is David Mellor.
Then, it turns out that Norman Lamont, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, for God’s sake, is leasing a flat to a dominatrix named “Miss Whiplash”.
Then – and I hesitate to make fun of the dead – le piece de resistance.
Steven Milligan, MP for Eastleigh was found dead, asphyxiated, draped across his kitchen table, clad only in women’s underwear, with an orange in his mouth. A length of cord was tied behind him, between his neck and his ankles. Only the more lurid tabloids dared speculate that this was auto-erotic asphyxiation, or “gasping”.
Add to this the copious consumption of pornographic magazines, DVDs and sex phone lines in the south of England and Middle America and you have a huge, morally conservative morass of upstanding members of the community continually making the beast with one back over Butt Pirates of the Caribbean, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 375 days a year.
Victorian values? You bet – perversion is as conservative as faggot-hating and xenophobia.
Not by half – I haven’t even touched on the legal brothels of Nevada, sex toy sales, Google searches by region, the Best Little Whorehouse in Texas or public school homosexuality. In exactly which parts of our countries are men are getting jiggy with cows, sheep, horses and goats? I’ll take a wild stab in the dark and guess it’s not Edinburgh, Paris or New York.
So the next time you read some pompous oaf decrying the liberal plot to force pornography into the classroom, you send him over here to the Flying Rodent. Free pornography for the masses! You’ll certainly get the 20-something wanker vote.
The conservative should be proud of the seven-way gangbang, for it is his heritage, his culture, nay, it is his country.
*Jesus, I never even noticed what a filthy word “succeed” is. It’s an outrage against the English language.