Thursday, July 06, 2006

Conservative Humour

Witness the comical stylings of Michael Ledeen, leading neoconservative thinker and longtime advocate of democratisation of the Middle East.

Makes You Wonder [Michael Ledeen]
In today's "reportage" of the World Cup semifinal between Italy and Germany, the (lefty) Washington Post reported that the game-winning goal was scored on a left-footed kick, while the (righty) Washington Times reported it was scored on a right-footed kick. The Post account was correct, but don't you find it mysteriously symbolic of something or other?

Also, for those, like Dr. Kissinger, who insist on seeing national character reflected in the style of play by national soccer teams, I am reminded that Italy always beats Germany in the World Cup, and they do it by demonstrating those qualities that are invariably (and mistakenly, I think) ascribed to Germans: discipline, patience, courage, tenacity, stamina.

And, lest we forget—and we always do—the Italians have fought bravely, tenaciously and patiently in Iraq, taking many losses and pressing forward nonetheless. I frankly haven't noticed brave Germans out there, but no doubt it's an oversight on my part.

Of course, by "advocate of democratisation in the Middle East" I mean "advocate of blasting the fuck out of the Middle East until they agree to act more like Americans".

I don't think there's a need to respond to Ledeen's comments, as they will stand until the end of civilisation as eloquent testimony to his stupidity and crassness. I'm prepared to believe that this is meant to be a joke, but if there's a punchline in there, I can't see it.

In fact, after years of reading the inane propoganda of self-important political bloggers, I can't remember coming across one right-wing site that was humorous. P.J. O'Rourke is generally held up as the joker of the right, but my experience of his articles is that the gags generally all have the same punchline - "hippies smell". Hardly ground breaking stuff.

This zinger from the Prez himself made me laugh, but for all the wrong reasons. In an interview for Talk Magazine during his first Presidential campaign, Bush was asked what death row inmate Karla Faye Tucker might say to him if she was given the chance to plead for her life.

Reportedly, Bush let his bottom lip quiver, made big, pleading puppy dog eyes and said "Please, don't kill me." Now, there's a thigh-slapper.

In fact, the only gag I can remember a right-winger cracking that made me laugh as hard was a rib-tickler from the pen of frustrated suburban Dad and full time fun-hatin', youth-detestin' crank James Lileks -

"Sometimes I swear that if a European hits his thumb with a hammer when no one’s around, he shouts GODDAMN JEWS!"

Now, I'm uncertain whether it's the author's Schindler's List stereotype of Europeans that's funny here, or the fact that he actually believes there might be a grain of truth to this statement, but it tickled my funny bone.

Anyone harbouring any doubts? Google the phrase "Conservative Humour" and hit "I'm feeling lucky". You'll get this. The Onion, it is not.

So we're agreed - right-wing humour is deeply, stunningly unfunny. It seems only lefties are capable of raising a belly laugh, so I've decided to help these kids out. Over the next few weeks, any time I think of anything nasty to say about Hilary Clinton, Jacques Chirac or Michael Moore, I'll be sure to post it and they can make use of it at leisure. They won't even have to credit me.

And for an added bonus, I'll also reclaim a few other famous lefty bastions for them too. How can so much generosity reside in the heart of one man, you ask?

For I am the Flying Rodent, bringer of wisdom and mirth!

Well, wisdom at any rate. Of a kind.

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