Monday, July 17, 2006

The Book of Ehud


And it came to pass that the children of Israel, even as they were smiting the Hamasites in the land of Gaz-Ah, did not see the Hezbollites creep into their watchtowers, whereupon they slew many warriors and did carry away two sons of Israel unto Bei-rut.

2 And the King of the Israelites, who is called E-hud, was great in wrath, and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth.

3 And E-hud sayeth, the Hezbollites hath really done it this time, for they shall suffer the slings and arrows of my people and the wrath of the LORD. Go forth, and let not one stone remain atop another in the cursed land of the Hezbollites, that is Leb-Anon.

4 And the Israelites cried with one voice, saying, Yea, for it is the only language they understand and they hath asked for it good and proper.

5 This they said unto each other, and unto the Broadcasting Corporation that is British, and even unto the News that is FOX, which reporteth whilst you decide.

6 And so the children of Israel rose up and smote the Hezbollites with a might blow.

7 And again.

8 And thrice they smote the Hezbollites, who were hiding in the basements of their fathers and the bunkers of con-crete, and felt not the spear-thrusts of the Israelites.

9 And lo, it came to pass that the fires of the Israelites did fall upon the heads and highways and buses and airport of the Shi-ites and the Maronites, and even upon their children, who had only gone out to buy a pint of the milk of the she-goat.

10 And the Shi-ites and the Maronites did look upon what the Israelites had wrought, and spake unto E-hud, saying, What dost thou think thou art doing, for we hath only just built that airport and thy slings and arrows hath driven out the money lenders.

11 And, We beseech thee for a Cease-fire.

12 But E-hud did not hear their pleas, for he was great in wrath and heard only the words of the Post that is from Jerusalem, which sayeth in a great and terrible voice, Kill the Bastards, Kill the Bastards, and Kill the Bastards.

13 And so, upon the stone tablets of Ameri-ca and Europ-a were graven the images of the children of the Shi-ites and the Maronites, who were sorely afflicted by the fires and the slings and arrows of the Israelites, even unto the arms and legs and eyes and hands and skin.

14 And the Europites did give great lamentation, crying unto E-hud, Do not start the World War that is Third, for we hath only just finished rebuilding our temples, and it is written that the Hezbollites and Hamasites and Al-Qaed-ites, not to mention the Samaritans and Babylonians and Persians and Hittites, could come among our tents the day after the one that is next, if they took the camel train from Constantinople.

15 But the King of the children of Sam that is Uncle, who lived in a land far across the Ocean, looked upon the slain children of the of Leb-Anon and saw that it was good, and the King sayeth, The Israelites hath the right to defend themselves, as the man in the field must swat the fly that buzzeth in his ear, even with the scythe which choppeth off his own head. Truly, the Hezbollites must stop this shit.

16 And the peoples of the sphere that is blog looked upon the slain children and saw that it was good, and great was their rejoicing, and loud were their hosannas, and they did openly say, without the merest hint of shame, Stupid Muslim children, my sympathy for thee was ended on the day that is eleventh of the month that is the ninth.

17 And the great King Tonay and the wise man An-Nan, who is called Kofi, did say unto themselves, let us raise a great army to journey unto Leb-Anon, where we shall make peace between the Israelites and the Hezbollites.

18 But the Israelites and the Hezbollites, hearing this, said unto themselves, Bugger that, for we are wise to the ways of our enemies, who know not the ways of peace.

19 And so a mighty truck bomb was brought unto the house of the United States Marine Corps, and the slings and arrows of the Israelites and the Hezbollites and the Hamasites did rain down upon the peoples of Israel and Leb-Anon and Gaz-Ah.

20 And lo, it was back to the square that is called one.

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