Friday, June 23, 2006

My Political Philosophy Explained

No blogger can hope for international recognition without a clearly defined and coherent political philosophy. As such, I’d like to lay out some principles by which I live my life - I shall start with the most important and update when I can find the time.

1. I am opposed to murder.

Murder is always regrettable, even when it is committed to prevent a greater evil. I am particularly opposed to the murder of civilians by military combatants, whether they wear uniform or not.

2. This does not mean that I am some pant-wetting girly man.

I am not a pacifist. I enjoy blasting children with an M-16 and firing mortars into crowded areas as much as anyone; I am merely asking for a degree of moderation.

3. I detest moral equivalence.

Although I am unclear on the exact meaning of the phrase. According to the philosophical geniuses and mental colossi of the blogosphere, it appears to mean “implying that harming innocent civilians is always wrong, including when our side does it”. This sounds like an unassailable moral position to me and I will defend the principle to the death.

4. I do not carry water for political interests.

It would be a travesty and a smear upon the good name of blogging if I were to covertly advance the agenda of a political party or group. As a radical libertarian, albeit a lefty one, I will never sully the reputation of citizen journalism with partisan propoganda.

5. Before arriving in a foreign country, always learn some key phrases.

This should really be my first rule, so passionately do I believe in it. I believe that it is ignorant to holiday in a country without learning some basic phrases. Visitors to the UK generally know how to ask directions and order food, yet the Brits are monolingual to a shocking degree.

It is therefore only good manners to learn simple sentences such as “Can you tell me where the toilet is?”, “One bottle of Jose Cuervo, please“, “How much for the girl?” and “Please telephone for an ambulance, I have been stabbed”.

If you intend holidaying on a Mediterranean island, I would also advise learning the regional variants for “cocaine”, “sucking chest wound” and “venereal disease”. In Paris, one can almost pass as a native by making a series of impatient snorting noises and shooing gestures. In Moscow however, all you need to know is the Russian for “Please, don’t shoot, here, take the money, it’s all I’ve got”. It helps, but is not vital, to know how to say “I have a wife and child”.

Incidentally, if you ever visit Scotland, I’d advise that you stay the fuck away from me, ‘cos I’m packing and I’ll bust a cap through you as soon as look at you, motherfucker.

One never knows when one may need to use such information.

5. This will be the only post debating the existence of God, ever*.

One of the good points of the blogosphere is that one rarely stumbles upon theological debates about the existence of a higher power. The entire subject smacks of red-eyed, 2 a.m. discussions between beardy twats in fetid student residences, so I will lay the matter to rest right now.

If God exists, he has nothing but contempt for his creations, to whom he allows all manner of unpleasant things to happen. I’m not even talking about kids with leukaemia, natural disasters or terrorist atrocities - the small stuff is quite bad enough, as anyone who has ever suffered from piles, toothache, VD or erectile dysfunction will tell you. Speaking as a flaccid, scratching, toothless lardass, I know whereof I speak.

No, the final proof of the Lord’s indifference to humanity is to be found in the horrors of nature. From funnelweb spiders to foot-long venomous centipedes, God’s creation abounds with foul creatures that bite, sting, gouge and burrow under the skin to lay eggs. If, like me, you’ve ever seen a black mamba with your own eyes then you’d know that humanity has been abandoned to face eternity alone.

Not enough proof for you? This is a great white shark - a twenty foot long remorseless eating machine indigenous to the shallows surrounding Australia and South Africa. This is an anaconda, a creature so unpleasant that it has kept the editors of Bizarre magazine in hookers and hot dinners for the last ten years.

If there’s a lesson to be drawn here, it’s that we are deluded in believing that God loves us. The central message of the major religions should be, “Watch your ass, God‘s omnipresent and he‘s an omnipotent, psychotic badass harbouring a wicked grudge against mankind”.

So do I believe in God? Damn right I do, with all my heart. An entity with such an implacable urge to fuck me up with scorpions, rampaging hippopotami and grizzly bears is not the kind of guy you want to get on the wrong side of.

Never mind being saved from hellfire, I’ll settle for being saved from disembowelment.

*Until I think of something funny to say about it. Funny to me, that is, not you.

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